Two down, but still so much farther to go

The needle was sunk deep into my ass and the plunger wouldn’t work. I was twisted as far around as I could go, manhandling the Voltaren syringe now dangling from my butt, and all I wanted was to shout for someone to come and help me. But I had to figure it out because I’m alone and only I could fix this.

And fix it I did, but this time it hurt. The indignity of my vulnerability brought me to tears. Although, in my current state of depression, pretty much everything brings me to tears – every day. And so I cried because the injection hurt. And I cried because yesterday, as so often happens, I passed my ex-husband in traffic and he didn’t notice me. It was a metaphor for our marriage – I was as invisible to him now as I was then.

I cried for the loss of Lover, a stranger I never knew, who’s abuse has changed me at such a fundamental level I know I will never be the same again. I cried over every other man who had mistreated me, abused me, raped me. Every friend who has discarded me, every colleague who has judged me. I cried because my father loves money and appearances more than he loves me. And, as always when I cry, I cried for the loss of my mother and her abandonment by chosing suicide. I just curled into a heap and cried snot and tears and emotional anguish.

Crying by stardixa - www.deviantart.com

I cry for loss [source]

But, as much as I am resistant to see a psychologist, at the insistence of my doc I have made an appointment for Thursday next week. I have no doubt I will cry some more. But, perhaps the pain can be channeled into some healing of sorts? I dunno. I’m kind of giving up.

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8 comments

  1. The idea of seeing a psychologist is a good one. If anything, it is a wonderful place to get all of this out to someone in real time and get (hopefully) useful feedback.

    I’m sorry your injection went so poorly this time. But, I’m glad that you got to get some of that emotion out.

    One of the things that helped me greatly with the death of my grandmother, was the purchase of a small stuffed animal that she would have loved. My grandmother was our confidant against my narcissistic mother. Her daughter. The process of picking something out that her and I would have both loved was simple. Penguin. I love penguins and she had an obsession with all things birds. And now, when I think of her, I pick up the penguin and hold it tight. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don’t. But it help me feel connected to her, and I can tell that penguin anything.

    I don’t know if that helps, different things help different people. But, hopefully the psychologist will help you a lot too. This is someone you can just spew it all out on, and they will listen. If they don’t want to listen, find another psychologist.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Leslie. I think I’m dreading a psychologist because I know its going to open old wounds. But these wounds are festering anyway, so I need to deal with them. I guess I know a lot of hard work is coming my way. I like your idea of a stuffed animal. I’ll give it some thought. I slept my whole life with a childhood teddy bear but sadly forgot to pack it when I left my marriage – it was all done in such a rush. Thank you for your caring words ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Don’t give up. There is help out there, don’t be afraid to ask. It’s not weakness but strength to realize you cannot do it alone. Sending you a big *virtual hug* and positive vibes.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Vic said it perfectly, dear one.

    Please know I’ll be thinking of you like a freak on Thursday.
    I’ll be praying (agnostically, LOL – I’m not religious) that this psychologist turns out to be
    exactly what you need, and that you’ll be feeling MUCH better.

    Please keep us posted….much love to you, Precious Pieces!
    Dy

    Like

  4. You have to open up, understand, cry and open up! You can’t quit. Be honest with Doctor, have questions and ask questions about meds . Pray! It can take years for the right drug combo to work. Don’t think it will away if you ignore and can get much worse. Remember you’re driving and it’s up to you to speak your mind. I know you have the courage, you can’t see it. You will!!!!!!!

    Like

  5. Sometimes a good cathartic and ugly cry helps Loeb does we never thought of to help us start getting better. We don’t ever really back from traumas, we just learn how to deal with them. {Hugs and sorry I’m just getting around to reading your past posts. Finally getting out of the fuck}

    Liked by 1 person

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