Why suicide is a valid option for me

trigger warning – I don’t think I need to state the obvious

I have wrestled with publishing this post. But this is my current reality, so post it must be. I must stress, it’s content holds no intent, but merely serves to reason why. To be clear, I take the subject of suicide very seriously. Would never throw the word about lightly because my mother killed herself many years ago. I know what it feels like to be one of the grieving left behind. So, why would I choose suicide? Three reasons.

1. Financial

I live on an extremely tight budget with a salary that often doesn’t cover my basic living expenses. So I scrimp and scrape and do without and make a plan. But there’s no ‘wriggle room’. No extra money for unforseen expenses (car breaks down, fridge goes on the blink), or everyday conveniences like TV, or for a few treats here and there like the hairdresser or going to see a movie, new clothes. And with inflation, it’s only going to get worse. I’ve done the calculations, and I project in about 5 years time, I will not be able to afford to live. Seriously. Time is working against me. Basically I’m fucked, and not in a good way.

2. I am alone

Not lonely… there is a difference. What I mean is, I stand alone in this world. I’m not going to add a long explanation to prove my point. Please, just believe me. No family, no friends, no pets. Zero. Nothing. No one beside me, no one leading the way, no one bringing up the rear or having my back. No support, no buffer, no anchor, no comfort against the world. And after my last interpersonal experience, well I doubt I shall be walking that path again. So I guess, alone it shall remain.

3. Early symptoms of psychosis

Yes, got that nifty little diagnosis in October 2015. Yay. I’m really looking forward to experiencing full blown psychosis on my own. I know it can be delayed with the right medication, but psychosis? You gotta be shitting me. So reality check – my health is deteriorating. What’s next? Institutionalistion? Oh, I shit you not. I am, after all, walking in my mother’s genetic shoes prints.

I have worked so hard these past four years toward healing, growing and learning from my experiences. Moving from beyond a failed marriage to an alcoholic and the abuse that comes as a package deal, to dealing with my bipolar. I’ve been proactive and accountable. I’ve shown up for life. I have grabbed a hold of hope with both hands and not let go.

But for what purpose? What gain? All I have is fear. From my perspective (which I think is a reasonable one), the future is only going to get worse. And I’m so, so very tired of a daily existence. And that is why, of late, I entertain death. I’m frightened, I’m alone and I’ve lost hope in having a future, let alone a bright one. I don’t think it gets more valid than that.

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30 comments

  1. To turn this thought train on it’s head. What have you “always” wanted to do? Is there anything you’re good at? What makes you happy? I know through my bleak life there was always one thing that I turned to that gave me some sort of comfort. My passion was engaging people on the Internet – which turned to writing. I see you have this sorted though.

    If say you were happy, and settled. What is the one thing that you would really want to do? I understand you may not know this yet but is there some sort of list you can make about your good qualities? And if you think, “umm, yeah, maybe I do that and it’s good – write it down!” Depression lies to us!

    I can already see two things that strike out already, you are very empathetic and you obviously communicate very well.

    Is there something that you can build upon? πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your recent post has helped me a lot. I repeat over and over “it’s going to be fine, depression is just lying to me right now”. It’s been a life raft for me. My difficulty, my new learning curve, is that I have no idea what makes me happy. Having been a chronic people pleaser, it has left me with little idea of my own desires. Abuse has crippled me with fear. And then of course, my meds are a destabilizing factor, but that will change over time. Hopefully, with therapy as part of the doc’s plan, I can begin making some in roads to recovery. Begin a process of discovery, build a new life. Thank you so much for your insight and support, I am truly grateful

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad I helped you! The last thing I want to do is see someone in my blogosphere go down the path I did! I see everyone as beautiful beings awaiting to fulfill their potential. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not beautiful. Even yourself! I don’t know if you’ve saw it but I made a video a couple of months ago that gives people hope in an otherwise awful life – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_kvmCo9Hhc

        Also, sorry for taking so long to get back to you. WordPress did not notify me of your reply! Which sucks, but glad you’re feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel finally! That’s the main thing πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Suicide ideation is normal, so I’m happy to read that you can share this and be comfortable in knowing that thinking about it and doing it are two entirely different things. However, a call to your pdoc may not be a bad idea.

    I don’t like it when people say “I know what you’re going through,” because each of us react differently in circumstances we are dealt. I will say, I understand.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your support Bradley. My doc knows. And he’s working alongside me. He’s even arranged some therapy for me. Knowing he recognizes this crisis is not just about chemicals, is very reassuring. Some doctors aren’t as proactive, preferring to just drug someone to the hilt. But not him – he actually has empathy and I’m so fortunate and grateful.

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  3. I’ve had two psychotic episodes in full blown mania and both of those were controlled with medication, I did have to be hospitalized. Now my bipolar d/o has been controlled for over a year with Lithium and Seroquel. Stable, absolutely no psychotic symptoms. Your psychotic symptoms can be controlled with medication as well, I firmly believe that. You don’t have to follow in your mother’s footsteps, she probably wasn’t as proactive as you in recognizing or having her symptoms treated. I know you’re afraid, but you have all of us, we have your back. We’ve had similar experiences as you (my brother committed suicide at 26 years of age) we have the same diagnosis as you and we’ll hang on with you. As far as finances, can’t you get SS/disability? Or can you talk to a social worker in your town and ask about what help is available. I’m here for you. I’ll never give up. XXXXOOOOO

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow. We’re so similar. I’m also on lithium. I’ve tried olanzapine and Seroquel but had some of the dangerous side effects so had to stop. That’s part of my current problem right now. I’m still in withdrawal from venlafaxine and my doc intents to start trying the anti-convulsants in April. He has put me on esperide for now to tied me over. So, I’m not adequately medicated. And the rest is, well, just life I guess. I won’t lie, its frightening being alone. But I take great comfort in your support. Thank you for having my back! It means so much to me ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope and I’m sure your doctor will figure out a good medication for you. I understand being scared, but we have to have hope, always hope. I’m here whenever you need me. Hugs and lots of love. Samina.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I can beg you to honor your breath all that I want to no avail in changing how you feel; I get that, and can relate to each of your bullets behind the things that you have surmised for yourself…
    However, you are intelligent and intense; a dangerous combination in a traumatized woman. I will say simply that I understand your post quite thoroughly, on the deepest level. I know it took a set of balls to post this, and I also know that because you obviously have that set of balls, you will somehow recognize how very much sense your feelings make, in spite of yourself.
    I’m here for you, I feel for you. Email me privately of you want to, but don’t exact any finality now…not while you’re so low. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. To honour my breath. That is profound and will be added to my list of mantra’s. Thank you for acknowledging my intensity. While it is a gift it can be my greatest adversary. Its a relief to have someone understand and relate to it. I sometimes feel I’m being driven mad, way out of reach of my control. But I will prevail, balls and all. Thank you for your offer and if need be I will email you. You know you inspire me, so you know when I say thank you for your support, it comes from a special place ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m glad that you currently have no intent. I myself have a bunch of reasons why it would be good, not just for me, but for the people around me. That said, fight the intent. You may feel alone in your day to day life, but you have us. And trust me, when I feel shitty and alone in my life, I think of all of you.
    I can’t imagine what you are feeling with a psychosis diagnosis. It’s one of the only ones I don’t have. But we’re still here for you. No matter what. I would definitely think about taking Bipolar1Blog’s advice and look for whatever type of help you can get for your finances. Talk to the doctors about reduced costs for appointments and meds. And you have probably worked on this already, but it may be worth another shot.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for support Lesley. You are so kind and gentle. A true nurturer. I don’t know what I would do without you and my other blogging friends. Unfortunately South Africa doesn’t offer medical assistance like the States, which fuels my fears. This is just another life lesson and I’m going to show up for class everyday ❀

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      1. I’m glad you are still planning on showing up Pieces. These thoughts run through all of our heads on occasion and it’s on us to fight it. I know you can do it! ❀

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I hear you. Please keep writing. I admire your courage. Sometimes when I’m suicidal I ask what part of me is ready to die, so that other parts can live. Sometimes I’m ready to let go and ready to live. I’ll pray deeply for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you George. When someone can relate to what another is going through, it’s never quite as lonely. The sad thing is the commonality is suicide…. But thank you for your thought provoking advice

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  7. I am sorry that things look so bleak. There are a couple of things that I know. One is that you are NOT your mother, and your future is not predestined. The second thing I know is that things can change in ways that we cannot foresee sometimes, and things can change for the better, whether we believe it or not. So my hope is that you will just HOLD ON for a bit and see how things shake out. You are not alone, or as alone, as you think. You presence would be greatly missed, were you to leave. You matter. You make a difference here. People love you. I hope you can feel my words, my intent, and my feelings that underlie what I say. If you can’t believe in a better tomorrow, well just let me believe in it FOR you right now. Your friend, BPOF

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you BPOF! I will hold on. I used to be a great advocate of hope and the possibilities in tomorrow. But that seems to have all shrunk away. But what a powerful statement, that you will believe FOR me. That’s amazing. To imagine that you would take my bundle of hope and nurture it for me until such time as I am able to carry it myself. And when you return it, it will not be dry and shriveled from my own neglect, but even more abundant through your care. You inspire me and I hear you. My dear friend ❀

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      1. YOU are so dear…and I’m glad you’ve decided to hang on…SO GLAD!!! Watching my Dad struggle along, fighting for each breath, and wishing to live until 90 (no chance there), I have a different appreciation for life ❀

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I am not sure what I could say that would be of assistance, so I will simply say this: before considering this option, please make it a point to talk with a medical professional. There may be more support out there than you realize.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Vic. I know its difficult to know what to say in a situation like this. But I appreciate you dropping in to show your support. Your blog is a joy and an inspiration every day. So you don’t have to say anything. You already do help me without ever realizing – just by blogging as you do.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Maybe it’s time to change your world. While I suspect your meds are still not balanced and fixing that would help, when you have nothing left to lose, it can be very freeing. Permission to do ANYTHING, because what have you got to lose.
    Why not take a chance on a new beginning…one that can pull you out of your solitude and away from the “future” you predict?
    http://www.thesouthafrican.com/move-to/move-to-usa/
    You have a friend here. ❀ ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow! You’ve just opened my mind, stretched it like an elastic band. I don’t quite think your country would want a bedraggled bipolar with my mental health history. They probably wouldn’t let me past customs lol ! But what you’ve said has certainly resonated with me. Permission to do anything? Change my world? A new beginning? Sounds exciting. Sounds like I have a lot of questions to ask myself, and many answers to get. You’ve certainly stretched and snapped my mind into a different path of thought. Thank you Tempestjoy ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Yup, I hear you. I do have a dog who drags me along from day to day, because she is very needy and sick, and I worry what would happen to her if I left. But I also worry about what will happen to ME, because I have no family or friends. Like you, my financial situation will soon be desperate. So although I’m plodding through life at this moment, the future looks shaky. I’m in no distress about that.

    One thing that helps me a lot, when my physical ailments allow, and when I can manage to get moving, is to volunteer. I like to go to homeless shelters and feed hungry people on holidays when others are feasting with their families. I also like to help hand out food and warm clothing to the street people in winter. This makes me feel useful, something I miss terribly now that I can’t work. Lately I can’t even do this, though, due to physical illness. But I still have my dear Doggess, so here I stay, for now.

    Hugs….Laura

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment πŸ™‚ At least I’m not alone in feeling desperate at times. As it happens, I’m about to start volunteering at an animal sanctuary. I’m very excited. As a bone fide recluse I’m trying to get out the house more and interact with people. I’d love to have a dog, but I’m not allowed to where I live. And I’m sorry but no, I goldfish just won’t cut it for me. I need a wagging tail and a furry bundle curling up with me when I sleep
      Have a wonder day, Laura

      Like

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