Untitled due to lack of inspiration

I’m 44 years old and I’ve wasted so much time by giving my time to people who never cared. So where to from here? Time is running out. Mine is a meagre existence. I have nothing to show for all my years of living.

I’ve grown old and tried to start over but four years later and I’m still not on my feet. Reduced to scrambling every day, one day at a time, to just keep breathing, have my heart beating. Depression has me by the ankles and as hard as I am trying to keep it at bay, the more ground I’m loosing. I wake up every morning and sit on the edge of my bed and wonder how the fuck I’m going to get through this day. Another one. Just like yesterday and the day before. I’m so tired of living like this.

My life. Going nowhere except one day at a fucking time. Bipolar keeps me all too aware of my own mortality. Through reason and analysis I have successfully navigated my break-up, but the emotional cost has been high. Old wounds have been re-opened and now need dealing with. I’m too tired for this shit.

I have no idea which way to turn from here. I have no real-life suport. I am remarkably alone. I lack direction and desire. But mostly I’m just so god-bleeding tired. Tired of enduring and suffering and forcing and struggling and marking time, which is slow these days and such agony. I don’t want to live like this.

Give me joy, just a taste will do.

survive

… and I’m sick of trying to inspire myself because……

source - HealthyPlace-com

….this is how I feel

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19 comments

  1. My Dear Pieces,
    I’m so sorry things are so hard for you these days. I know how you feel, I’ve felt exactly the same way as you and even today have been weepy and restless and tired. But I have my son, and I have to go on and get better and always be there for him. I guess I’m lucky in this. Do you go to therapy? It can help a huge amount! There even therapy websites on the internet, that can cost a fraction of what a hometown therapist costs. Just in case money is an issue. It’s hard, I don’t know why it had to be us. But all the awful shit makes us stronger, and we survive. Here’s a link to BetterHelp.com
    https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC&utm_term=%2Bcounseling&utm_content=counseling&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=b&utm_campaign=counseling&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1target=&gclid=CjwKEAiAmNW2BRDL4KqS3vmqgUESJABiiwDT-BEjxaukBo7KshIzwgTFCl697336tSx3ZG2SvbWmixoCkyXw_wcB&modal=1&go=true
    Maybe try them and see if you get some relief?
    Hugs and tons of hugs for you.
    Samina.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart hurts for you. 😦 I remember feeling this this distraught. I was certain I would not win that battle no matter how hard I tried.
    I know there is no magic wand, but something that was suggested for my son, really proved to be helpful for us both. I don’t know if you can take a day off or not, but if you can, do it. Then force yourself out of bed around 10am, wear comfy clothes and a hat, no make up required. Find the nearest park and swing on the swing. Go as high as you can go and let the wind rush over your face and GOOD memories from your childhood come visit you. Before marriage, before BiPolar, before pain & depression became your unwanted companions. Maybe memories of a friend and you playing tag or jumping rope. Maybe dancing to a song. Let them wash over you. If you have a bad thought or memory, simply remind your brain that you can think about that later, right now is dedicated to your inner child. Give yourself a short break from being an adult. Maybe take crayons and a coloring book and sit at a picnic table and color. Let go of every responsibility for a few hours. It won’t fix anything, but it might bring you a small bit of joy to carry you though till things are better…and they will get better. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thanks Tempest…. I honestly have no happy childhood memories. I was always alone, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. I’ve been mentally ill since puberty, so there’s no ‘before bipolar’ I’m afraid.

      I took a half day on Friday, sedated myself and slept most of the weekend. I thought that would help, to rest, but it hasn’t. I think I’ve started a mixed episode today. I’m just so sick and tired of it all.

      But thanks for your idea, it sounds fun xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Pieces!!!! I remember that place. It’s awful.

    Can you speak to your doctor about adjusting your meds for a short time, just to get you through this? Or go speak to a psychologist?

    Please remember that you are not alone. We are here for you. I am here for you. Email me if you want to “talk” – any time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “Hang in there” “You’ll get through this” – I could use any number of these clichés to try to encourage you but I’m sure you’ve heard them all before. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and with such little support. I don’t know much about you, if you’re religious, for example, but I know I take great comfort in scripture. I’d encourage you to look up Psalm 6: 6-9. I think it’d be comforting in your situation. “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears…for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Pieces….you are certainly not alone in this. I know it feels like it, believe me..I know. You’ve got your bipolar depression and a heavy helping of situational depression. I’m feeling the same and it’s so very very hard. It seems like a lot of us are in the same place right now. I can’t wait to get home to see my therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Leslie. It’s awful isn’t it. You’ve got me thinking now, I wonder if its a change of season thing? My old psychiatrist always believe any change of season was a trigger. Interesting. I hope you feel better soon too

      Like

      1. It could be. My husband was a sufferer of seasonal affective disorder so we moved south, which has helped him enormously. Those happy lights are supposed to help, but they don’t help everyone and hubby couldn’t use one because he had had cataract surgery

        Liked by 1 person

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