I’m 44 years old and I’ve wasted so much time by giving my time to people who never cared. So where to from here? Time is running out. Mine is a meagre existence. I have nothing to show for all my years of living.
I’ve grown old and tried to start over but four years later and I’m still not on my feet. Reduced to scrambling every day, one day at a time, to just keep breathing, have my heart beating. Depression has me by the ankles and as hard as I am trying to keep it at bay, the more ground I’m loosing. I wake up every morning and sit on the edge of my bed and wonder how the fuck I’m going to get through this day. Another one. Just like yesterday and the day before. I’m so tired of living like this.
My life. Going nowhere except one day at a fucking time. Bipolar keeps me all too aware of my own mortality. Through reason and analysis I have successfully navigated my break-up, but the emotional cost has been high. Old wounds have been re-opened and now need dealing with. I’m too tired for this shit.
I have no idea which way to turn from here. I have no real-life suport. I am remarkably alone. I lack direction and desire. But mostly I’m just so god-bleeding tired. Tired of enduring and suffering and forcing and struggling and marking time, which is slow these days and such agony. I don’t want to live like this.
Give me joy, just a taste will do.