It was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen. And I’m sure you knew it was going to happen. I caved in last Thursday and phoned him. Considering the bad state he left in, and the bad state I was in, I needed …. something. He’s safe, living with his parents. He has a job, he’s (not) drinking and he’s seeing his daughter regularly. That was all I needed to know.
But he had more to say – I miss you. I still love you. I’ll be coming back to Durban in about 4 months.
Ordinarily I would have expected my heart to leap for joy. But it didn’t. Of it’s own accord, my heart plumetted from my chest, bounced through my stomach and landed in the soles of my feet, with dread. Coming back? Doesn’t he know, in life, there is never any going back? There is always only moving forward? The dread I felt at the prospect of his return was the revelation I’ve been seeking.
I don’t want him back. I don’t want his drinking back. I don’t want the anxiety and anticipation back. I don’t want the rejection back. I don’t want his issues back. I don’t want his chaos back. And most importantly, I don’t want his love back, because his kind of love hurts, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free
– 30 Seconds to Mars – Attack
I was rendered pretty much speechless during the phone call. So this is part of a text I sent:
“……but please know, if you come back to Durban it has to be for reasons that exclude me..…. Some damage can’t be undone….. So if you’re coming up for me – don’t…… ‘we’ will never be able to be again.”
I feel a shift within myself. Where once there was longing, pining and guilt, I’m now bordering on neutral. I’m still sad. I still cry everyday. But at least now I’m not crying for him, I’m just crying because of him. And in time that pain will heal.