Dread brings revelation

It was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen. And I’m sure you knew it was going to happen. I caved in last Thursday and phoned him. Considering the bad state he left in, and the bad state I was in, I needed …. something. He’s safe, living with his parents. He has a job, he’s (not) drinking and he’s seeing his daughter regularly. That was all I needed to know.

But he had more to say – I miss you. I still love you. I’ll be coming back to Durban in about 4 months.

Ordinarily I would have expected my heart to leap for joy. But it didn’t. Of it’s own accord, my heart plumetted from my chest, bounced through my stomach and landed in the soles of my feet, with dread. Coming back? Doesn’t he know, in life, there is never any going back? There is always only moving forward? The dread I felt at the prospect of his return was the revelation I’ve been seeking.

I don’t want him back. I don’t want his drinking back. I don’t want the anxiety and anticipation back. I don’t want the rejection back. I don’t want his issues back. I don’t want his chaos back. And most importantly, I don’t want his love back, because his kind of love hurts, and I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, or give up what I
Started and stopped it, from end to beginning
A new day is coming, and I am finally free
– 30 Seconds to Mars – Attack

I was rendered pretty much speechless during the phone call. So this is part of a text I sent:
……but please know, if you come back to Durban it has to be for reasons that exclude me..…. Some damage can’t be undone….. So if you’re coming up for me – don’t…… ‘we’ will never be able to be again.”

I feel a shift within myself. Where once there was longing, pining and guilt, I’m now bordering on neutral. I’m still sad. I still cry everyday. But at least now I’m not crying for him, I’m just crying because of him. And in time that pain will heal.

 

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15 comments

  1. If you’re no longer grieving for him that’s a healthy direction. It’s perfectly normal, though at this point to grieve what you wish you had. It’s good that you feel anger and pain over what he did. I wish you the best and hope this passes quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes you have to make sure that someone you used to / still love who is in a dangerous situation (the drinking) is ok. You don’t want to be involved but you have to be sure that someone is tending to the situation. I know how this feels and I think it’s perfectly fine that you called him. But, it’s not me that matters. It only matters what you think. I think the fact that you were not happy to hear that he is coming back says a lot for the progress you have made.

    Good for you for telling him not to come back for you, too!

    xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Lesley. My reaction was personally unexpected. I thought I would be pleased at the prospect of being together again. But the dread that flooded me spoke volumes. I couldn’t ignore it. And I needed him to know the manipulation was over. I think he got the message xx

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    1. Absolutely. That phone call has done it for me. I haven’t contacted him again. Not because I know I shouldn’t. But because I just don’t want anything to do with him. It was definitely a big healing step. Unexpected, but that’s how life works, isn’t it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Tempest. I’m still learning, so actually never realised I was enforcing a boundary or doing self care. Thanks for bringing that up. It makes sense to me now. Boundaries are what is and isn’t acceptable to me relating to my health and wellbeing. So saying ‘don’t come back’ I really am taking care of ME. Thank you!! Your comment was illuminating 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Believe me, my reaction was unexpected. But your gut instinct is never wrong. And one of the lessons I’m taking out of this is to trust my instinct. So I’m doing just that. I don’t think I could have been more clear in my text. I’m glad you can relate, and know that I’m still thinking of you in your troubled times too

      Liked by 1 person

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