Eroding away at reality

For me the scariest thing about finding out Lover the Loser was an alcoholic was…………… that he was an alcoholic. Distressing to learn he was the second alcoholic I had allowed to enter my life. And now in retrospect, appalled to discover he was emotionally abusing me from the very outset.

emotional abuse

In the beginning while we were dating, he listened very carefully to me. And how easy it was – I’m an open book and wear my heart on my sleeve. He took advantage of that information and designed a persona he knew I would find desireable. But once we moved in together, he could no longer hide his alcoholic secret. And that is when I realised I was living with a stranger. I was frightened of him because I didn’t actually know him at all. Life as I knew it was suddenly over. The dream was dead.

heart on sleeve

He was a compulsive liar. The way in which he presented himself was the polar opposite of who he truly was. I am to take everything he ever said, turn it on it’s head, and take the opposite as the truth. It’s all chaotic and confusing. A mindfuck, if you will. Shocking to find the reality I knew, was nothing more than vapour from his breath.

And even more shocked to discover this twisting of the truth, this distortion of my reality, is a form of mental/emotional abuse called Gaslighting. Looking back, I can identify 17 years worth of this abuse by my Alcoholic Ex-husband. He beat me with lies, cunning and confusion to the point where I was dead inside. He defined my reality until nothing was real. I was easy pickings for a predator like Lover the Loser. Bipolar and medications have damaged my memory, so there was never any arguing against anything he said……. because I couldn’t remember. I had to trust him. Even when things did seem questionable, I had no choice but to believe him.

gaslighting

So to be honest, I don’t know who the real Slim Shady is. Too many lies have unfolded since he left, calling his character into question. What I do know, is that he has skillfully manipulated every truth to bend and fall in his favour, and I feel immensely stupid and gullible to have fallen for his alcoholic ways.  Especially after my experience with my Alcoholic Ex-husband.  Stupid… Stupid… Stupid!

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13 comments

  1. My not-soon-enough-to-be-ex husband gaslighted me our entire relationship, even before we were married. I never knew until recently that he had. And it even included my children. That’s the worst part of the emotional and mental abuse is that my children had to endure it.
    Like Love the Loser, DB will NEVER change, and he will continue to blame everyone else for his misery. It has taken me a LOOOOOONG time to realize that that is a part of who he is and it will never change and it’s no longer my job to worry about it or to try to fix it. He was broken before I came into his life and he will remain broken until he chooses to fix it or die. (I know that’s harsh, but it is the truth)
    It will take you a while to forgive yourself, and you will when you are ready to see that you weren’t the stupid one. Lover the Loser was that good at the manipulation game.
    You are worth it {HUGS} ❤💙💜💛💚💛💜💙❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I’m glad you can relate. And horrible as this may sound, I’m relieved there’s someone else out there that’s had this to deal with. I couldn’t give two shits about Lover the Loser right now. I’m upset about the damaged he’s caused me, call it a ‘second helping of abuse’ if you will. That I’ve done this not once, but TWICE. You’d think I’d learn the first time! I am battling to come to terms with everything. Thank you for the hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re not stupid at all. Alcoholics are cunning and skilled manipulators and I should know, I am one (sober 12 years) I’ve also been in relationships where I was totally mind-fucked. I just never knew it had a name – gaslighting. I hope your trip moving on is not too rough.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry to hear your story, but glad you made it out.
    Did you find being bipolar was a tool he would use against you?
    I have a friend who went through some messed up stuff and because he was Bipolar his family used to discredit him and any issues they had (they are psychos btw) they would latch onto the ‘you’re crazy, you have bipolar!’ Line of ‘reasoning’ which was horrible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A resounding YES – people at work, friends, and family use bipolar to their own advantage. Its just so easy for them to manipulate the truth because of the nature of our illness. I am naturally filled with self doubt because of memory problems, so its easy for someone to brush me off – drama queen, it can’t be THAT bad, you’re blowing things out of proportion, there’s something wrong with you. I could go on and on. It’s a shocking thought that my own father doesn’t believe a word I say. Always counteracting or contradicting what I express. Its abuse. It erodes having faith in yourself, feeling confident, healthy self esteem. And the people doing this, ALWAYS have their own agenda. Please reassure your friend that he’s not alone and happens to me too

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Will do.
        And sadly those who are meant to protect people no matter what ie family, often dont. Not to be too out there, but you really cant trust anyone but yourself, and that doesnt always happen as linear or as quickly as we would like, but needs to happen to get out of the pit you or I have been thrown in. I hooe that makes sense.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have a naïve outlook which has been broken. Thank you for reminding me that the process of learning to trust only myself is not going to be a linear one. That’s important to be aware of so as not to set myself up for failure with high expectations. Thank you for taking the time to offer advice, I really appreciate it. I am left asking the same question I’ve been asking since my divorce – what has happened to humanity?

        Liked by 1 person

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