For me the scariest thing about finding out Lover the Loser was an alcoholic was…………… that he was an alcoholic. Distressing to learn he was the second alcoholic I had allowed to enter my life. And now in retrospect, appalled to discover he was emotionally abusing me from the very outset.
In the beginning while we were dating, he listened very carefully to me. And how easy it was – I’m an open book and wear my heart on my sleeve. He took advantage of that information and designed a persona he knew I would find desireable. But once we moved in together, he could no longer hide his alcoholic secret. And that is when I realised I was living with a stranger. I was frightened of him because I didn’t actually know him at all. Life as I knew it was suddenly over. The dream was dead.
He was a compulsive liar. The way in which he presented himself was the polar opposite of who he truly was. I am to take everything he ever said, turn it on it’s head, and take the opposite as the truth. It’s all chaotic and confusing. A mindfuck, if you will. Shocking to find the reality I knew, was nothing more than vapour from his breath.
And even more shocked to discover this twisting of the truth, this distortion of my reality, is a form of mental/emotional abuse called Gaslighting. Looking back, I can identify 17 years worth of this abuse by my Alcoholic Ex-husband. He beat me with lies, cunning and confusion to the point where I was dead inside. He defined my reality until nothing was real. I was easy pickings for a predator like Lover the Loser. Bipolar and medications have damaged my memory, so there was never any arguing against anything he said……. because I couldn’t remember. I had to trust him. Even when things did seem questionable, I had no choice but to believe him.
So to be honest, I don’t know who the real Slim Shady is. Too many lies have unfolded since he left, calling his character into question. What I do know, is that he has skillfully manipulated every truth to bend and fall in his favour, and I feel immensely stupid and gullible to have fallen for his alcoholic ways. Especially after my experience with my Alcoholic Ex-husband. Stupid… Stupid… Stupid!