Unwanted reflections

Loving an active alcoholic involves, amongst other things, a lot of anxious anticipation.

The apprehension of waiting for the impending unravelling. The fear of the dreaded PHONE CALL – that they’ve been arrested, been killed/injured in a car accident or *deep breath* have killed someone else on the road. The waiting for the inevitable ‘other shoe to drop’. The ever-present foreboding of their unpredictable behaviour and abuse.

The prospect of hope based on their declarations that ‘this time is different’. But having to live in constant caution against hoping too much, because lies and disappointment always overshadow their promises and declarations.

believe - themetapicture-com

Source – themetapicture.com

 

Lover the Loser hated to see or hear me crying. Just as with my Alcoholic Ex. Tears incited anger. I wonder if my tears were a mirror of their failure. If my tears were tangible evidence of the consequences of their behaviour. And I have to wonder if that is why neither one of them has ever tried to contact me after parting ways. I can only assume they are immensely relieved that the mirror has gone. No longer are they faced daily with a reflection of their shame, their guilt, their inability to live an undiluted life.

Perhaps it’s not that I’m unwanted. Perhaps it’s merely a case of not wanting to face themselves each day reflected in the mirror of my tears.

broken-mirror

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9 comments

  1. While I agree their anger probably stemmed from their discomfort with the reflection they faced, I have to challenge your belief that you were unwanted. ❤ There is no a doubt in my mind that Lover the Loser misses you. He just knows, at this time, he is incapable of the requirement to stay sober and knows he is no longer able to fool you.
    BTW – I love the meme, I wish I had said that to my ex!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish there was a cure for addiction, or even a standard way to treat it. Those who have been through it and come out the other side each have their own beliefs on which treatment works best. And there are a few new drug treatments that show a little promise for alcohol addiction, but of course they don’t work for everyone.

    It seems like alcohol and heroin are the toughest drugs to beat. (Along with cigarettes.) But I think abstinence only works for a small percentage of patients. After all, none of us are really drug-free, including the environmental chemicals we eat, breath, and drink every day. We know that environmental chemicals make medical conditions worse, and sometimes I wonder if the same is true for mental health conditions, like addiction. Can these environmental chemicals actually cause addiction? I think so, especially if someone is suffering from an undiagnosed medical condition and chooses to self-medicate. Sorry, I digress…

    I suppose part of addiction is the selfishness needed to maintain that addiction. I’m also guessing that seeing shame in other people’s eyes just makes the addict’s shame that much greater, so isolation is a part of it, too. Many pain patients deal with the same things, as chronic pain is as invisible as addiction, and many think pain is just something you have to learn to live with.

    I’ve learned a lot about drug addiction (along with identifying my own addictions), and I guess all this is to say that your guy’s addiction really has nothing to do with you. It wouldn’t make a difference if you were some kind of saint or superpower, let alone the strong woman that you are. Some of those with loved ones who suffer from addiction think they should be able to do more, help more, and they suffer from the guilt of being unable to. But just like you wouldn’t be able to cure a loved one’s cancer, you cannot cure someone else’s addiction.

    Sorry so long. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Painkills2, thanks so much for your comment. Detailed, just how I enjoy comments to be. How I wish there was a cure for addiction. Both parties suffer such cruelty at its hands. The validation that it has nothing to do with me, and there’s nothing I can do for him does take a weight off my shoulders. Logically I know this, but emotionally, the guilt, the conflict…., but I think the more I say it to myself, the more it’ll sink in…..

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I certainly believe your take and insight about not wanting to see our reflections on a daily basis is spot on…we have difficulty facing our own destruction so it’s easier to just run away…being alcoholic myself, I understand their disappearing act as I’ve done that myself on many occasions…I can say that when we make the declarations to stop and get sober, we mean it with all out heart, but as soon as the program of recovery takes a back seat to anything else in life, that disease is going to attack; it waits for that one weak moment; the vulnerability, so that’s why it’s so crucial we work on recovery everyday, instead of working towards another relapse.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for validating my theory. Its a weight off my shoulders and my heart. I’m no longer ‘unwanted’ for me, but rather as an unpleasant reminder. I believe you when you say the declarations are said with conviction and truth. I do believe he meant every word of “this time my resolve is stronger than ever”. Unfortunately, he was never able to begin recovery because he could not take the first step. He hated the thought of being labeled an alcoholic, so he never got to realize he’s powerless over it. You mention ‘working towards another relapse’, how true that is. I often felt he would put himself in situations to set himself up for failure. Thank you for your comments Chris, I really appreciate your perspective

      Liked by 2 people

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