All bottled up

message_in_the_bottle_by_ahermin

Much to my shame, I’m constantly on the verge of tears throughout the day. Still. It’s been over 2 weeks. By society’s standards I should be over him and under another by now. But no. That’s not me.

I sit at my desk and, with a will of their own, tears just plop out from my eyes. I don’t even cry, they just fall of their own accord. I dab at them, don’t smudge the mascara, give my nose a blow and have a good sniff. I don’t want people thinking β€œoh there goes the bipolar drama queen crying again”. In the past I’ve always been pro expression, you see.

But now, I try to go unnoticed. My face is blank and heavy. You couldn’t coax a smile if you tried. There is no smiling, only tears. But this heartache is a private matter, so I try to bottle my expressions up. Keep composed, be faultless with my work….. cute, clean robot…beep beep, zzzt, zzzt…..

I nearly phoned him tonight. Yes, I know, I know. I came this close to breaking my own No Contact Policy. I was about to dial when…… I started crying. Like proper crying, with hiccups and snot running over my upper lip. I am home, so I let myself cry good and proper. It was painful and raw and I hurt. But once it was over I felt cleansed. A release. A relief.

And the best part was, I no longer wanted to phone him.

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13 comments

  1. First of all, I love this version of “Message in a Bottle.” To hell with what society expects – you are naturally grieving a loss. There is no shame in the tears. Let them do what they naturally want to do. Most of all, be proud you didn’t pick up that phone. You have every right to.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Two weeks? not long at all. I don’t know if you know his phone number by heart but if you don’t, you could think about deleting his number from your phone. If you don’t want to I totally get that, but it’s something to consider. And cry away. The crying is what helps wash it all away

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to keep his number so I can keep him blocked. I’ve allowed myself to cry more and it does feel better. There’s nothing composed about this. It’s messy. So I’ve chosen to give it room to breath ie cry a lot when I am home

      Like

      1. No, there is never anything composed about a breakup…and under these circumstances it has to be worse. I’m glad you are giving yourself the space and time to allow yourself to cry it out.

        Liked by 1 person

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