Today has been hard. I’ve been doing all the right things and saying all the right things, but nothing about any of this feels right. I keep busy but I think about him constantly. I do nothing and think about him constantly. I drive, I shop, I redecorate, I read a book, listen to music, watch a movie, cook dinner – and I think about him constantly. The only time I get any peace is when I sleep.
Despite having told him I’ve blocked all communication with him, I am compulsively checking my phone. ‘Cos, you know, maybe he’s trying to get hold of me with someone else’s phone. But no. Nothing. The blocking apps I loaded to my phone give logs of who and what they’ve blocked. I check those obsessively too – blocker list: total sms’s blocked: zero.
He does in no way, shape or form give a shit about me. He has comfortably moved on.
So why am I so obsessed with Lover the Loser? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I move on? Why am I not doing a dance of joy – I dodged a bullet, I’m free, I’m safe, he’s someone else’s problem? Really…… what do I want with a 51 year old, unskilled, unemployed, penniless, chronic alcoholic who lives with his parents and has no transport of his own? Who lived on the streets for an entire decade, begging, drinking, stealing. Who’s life is just pure chaos, even when he wasn’t drinking. He’s hardly a good catch.
Am I right? So what the fuck is wrong with me?? Why do I need to feel validated or wanted, by him when all he did was abuse me, betray me and lie to me? I’ve said – I have worth, I have value, I deserve better. I’m talking the talk but struggling to walk the walk.
And I’m dreading the day when I’m finally comfortable in my own skin; living a good life in oblivion of Lover the Loser, when he unexpectedly makes contact again. I can only hope that by then, I’m walking the walk.