Talk the talk and walk the walk

Today has been hard. I’ve been doing all the right things and saying all the right things, but nothing about any of this feels right. I keep busy but I think about him constantly. I do nothing and think about him constantly. I drive, I shop, I redecorate, I read a book, listen to music, watch a movie, cook dinner – and I think about him constantly. The only time I get any peace is when I sleep.

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Despite having told him I’ve blocked all communication with him, I am compulsively checking my phone. ‘Cos, you know, maybe he’s trying to get hold of me with someone else’s phone. But no. Nothing. The blocking apps I loaded to my phone give logs of who and what they’ve blocked. I check those obsessively too – blocker list: total sms’s blocked: zero.

 

He does in no way, shape or form give a shit about me. He has comfortably moved on.

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So why am I so obsessed with Lover the Loser? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I move on? Why am I not doing a dance of joy – I dodged a bullet, I’m free, I’m safe, he’s someone else’s problem? Really…… what do I want with a 51 year old, unskilled, unemployed, penniless, chronic alcoholic who lives with his parents and has no transport of his own? Who lived on the streets for an entire decade, begging, drinking, stealing. Who’s life is just pure chaos, even when he wasn’t drinking. He’s hardly a good catch.

Am I right? So what the fuck is wrong with me?? Why do I need to feel validated or wanted, by him when all he did was abuse me, betray me and lie to me? I’ve said – I have worth, I have value, I deserve better. I’m talking the talk but struggling to walk the walk.

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And I’m dreading the day when I’m finally comfortable in my own skin; living a good life in oblivion of Lover the Loser, when he unexpectedly makes contact again. I can only hope that by then, I’m walking the walk.

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15 comments

  1. I’m sorry you are struggling. I’m sure today is especially hard. You are faking it till you make it…and you WILL make it. You are strong. ❤

    I'm a fixer by nature, so anytime I give advice, if it's not the time or not for you, just ignore it. It won't hurt my feelings.

    When my son was little and couldn't sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about scary things…I would tell him that whatever he does, he is not to think about bunnies. Of course then that's what he thought about. 🙂

    During my divorce I had trouble working, so I put a little reminder on my phone to go off once an hour to go to the restroom and cry for 5 minutes. In between I would tell myself that I needed to work, but would have my chance to cry again in less than an hour. By putting it on the clock, I was able to control the in between times better and by day two the tears dried up.

    My counselor told me that I didn't really miss my abuser, I missed the dream. The dream of having a relationship and living happily ever after. The dream of having someone know ALL of me AND still love me. I hurt because of rejection, but the sadness was about my dream being broken.

    So when you are ready, take time to decide what you want from a new relationship. Someone healthy, consistent, caring, whatever rings true for you. Then write yourself a note on the bathroom mirror with dry erase telling yourself you are worth each of those things!

    Sending love your way! -Tempest

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You give good, sound, sensible advice, and I would never discount it. You’re right, I miss the beginning part where everything was so good. Where he was the man of my dreams. I was intoxicated with hope.

      But that wasn’t the real him. So I don’t miss the abuser, I miss an imaginary person that could never be sustained. It puts things in perspective. And if I don’t work on my self-worth, I will continue to attract the same type of person over and over.

      Thank you for your encouragement and advice. It keeps me going ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  2. keep going sweetie…each day will be a smidge better. now you need an app that blocks your ability to see what the other apps blocked.

    Maybe, if you are thinking about him anyway, you could write a list of the reasons you SHOULDN’T be with him. Or a story about the goodness that a life without him could lead to. If you are going to be thinking about him, use it to your advantage if you can.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. List out all the reasons why being with him is bad for you. And I mean everything. The times you didn’t feel safe. The times you felt used. The times he deliberately abused you. The hopelessness and helplessness you felt when he was still in your life. And ask yourself: why do I think I deserve this? You don’t deserve it. He won’t/can’t change. Time to put your needs ahead of his. If you need to list out all the good things that can happen now that he’s out of your life, do so and put it side by side with the list of all the bad things. Hang it on the damned wall and add items as you think of them. ❤ Sometimes weaning yourself off a toxic substance takes time. And he is toxic.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. He was your drug and now he is gone..It is incredibly hard..I have been there too.Obsessively checking all the time..Hoping to hear back..etc..
    Just keep moving forward, even if it feels completely unnatural..cos it will, for awhile..but like you said…change takes times to get used to, especially if you always did the same in the past..Now you are doing things differently and looking after yourself..You don’t need him, even if your body is screaming desperately that you want him. You are very self-aware and that is important. Keep going! You have supporters to cheer you on! x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Your encouragement and understanding means a lot. You’re right, he is like a drug. I keep thinking this no contact policy is a lot like giving up smoking – as soon as you say you can’t have something, you end up wanting it even more. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who becomes crazed and obsessed with her phone 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. i think by questioning yourself in this way you’re taking the first steps in walking the walk. Maybe it’s a broken walk for now, but it’s better than being stuck in an old position. Stay strong, you’ve got this. ! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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