I have worth so hear me roar

I had made every single mistake
That you could ever possibly make
I took and I took and I took what you gave
But you never noticed that I was in pain
I knew what I wanted; I went in and got it
Alive by Sia

Lover phoned on Tuesday. I heard – I’m truly sorry, I needed this time to sort myself out, I really fucked up this time, I’m embarassed. There were declarations of undying love – I miss you, I think of you all the time, I just want to be with you, I still love you and hope to see you soon. But what I didn’t hear was geniune remorse, shame or any acknowledgement of my own pain. It’s all about HIM.

Don't ever let me go gy burger man - deviantart

I battle to let go of a failed relationship, no matter how abusive and unhealthy. This is a real challenge for me (pic)

When it comes to men, I battle to let go. It’s an embedded, repeating pattern of mine. I become extraordinarily and intensely attached in a short space of time. No matter how poorly I’m treated, I grip tight like cement, holding on, refusing to let go, in the hopes of being loved, of being wanted. Hoping, hoping, hoping. Making bad choices over and over again.

So I have spent the past few days in agony, flip-flopping between chasing him away and wanting him back. My head and my heart have been behind closed doors, in intense negotiations, asking tough questions – what is your self-worth? What is your value? What is your price tag? What do you deserve?

winner - quotesgram-com

I said right in the beginning I was going to live this experience differently. And so far I have. So after much debate, the verdict was in – I believe in my worth, that I have value, I deserve better and Lover has to go. Forever. This is part of what I texted, minus all the expressive language:

“You lost the option to have me the day you drank. You lost the right to choose me the day you lost your job to alcohol and left me for Cape Town. These were choices you made. The consequences are, you’ve lost me. I will never choose YOU again because you don’t value me. I choose MYSELF because I am worth so much more than you.”

It all sounds so neatly packaged and in control. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a dribbling idiot of a fine mess right now. Disillusioned with life and people, still wanting him back despite all the sound logic and reason, with a beating heartache so great I feel I will never smile again. I barely make it through work, fighting tears all day, then go straight to bed as soon as I get home. Ain’t life grand…….fake it ’til I make it?  And breathe.

 

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20 comments

  1. Yes, unfortunately, you should fake it till you make it. Your answer to him was, in my opinion, very well done. And I applaud your decision to do it by text. I know how it feels to be that person who can’t let go, regardless of shoddy treatment. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and I have deep battle scars from fighting for relationships that weren’t worth getting out of bed for.
    Unfortunately, this is going to be hard for awhile…but you’ve made an incredible stride forward by refusing to hold on to this guy. Do whatever you have to to hold your ground.
    And we’re all here for you if you are having trouble!
    xo

    Liked by 2 people

      1. That he’s gone is a double-edged sword. Yes, yay, he’s gone far, far away and that’s a good thing. But it also reinforces my feelings of abandonment – he doesn’t just not want me, he doesn’t want me to the extent that he’s moved far, far away. It hurts so deeply. But ultimately, I know it is a good thing he’s far away.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I really do understand how you feel Pieces. And it’s a super sucky place to be. Wanting what you shouldn’t have is a far cry from wanting what you can’t have. And turning a shouldn’t into a can’t is very difficult. But you are doing it! You are taking all the steps you can and now you just have to deal with your brain. Which of course is the hardest part but you’re still doing it!!!! Keep going! xo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. “I’m sorry.” “I miss you.” “I think about you all the time.” Reading those words made me cringe because I’ve heard those same deceitful declarations from my ex. It’s scary how these men all seem to be reading from the same manual. I’m glad you realise that his apologies are insincere and that he’s only thinking about himself. It’s perfectly normal for you to struggle with letting go. You’ve suffered a loss – a loss of what you thought you had, a loss of the possibility of what could have been. Allow yourself to grieve. Heartbreaks are difficult, particularly when trauma bonds are in place. It’s good that you realise that you deserve better. Let that motivate you to keep going if you ever feel like looking back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree….there’s a manual out there….somewhere. Well, I’m relieved to here its normal to struggle with letting go. It sounds crazy because there was nothing good about the relationship…..yet I want to hang on to it (??) After my ex-husband the alcoholic, and now this, I am determined to keep moving forward, to learn this lesson NOW, not have to keep repeating it. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The right choice doesn’t always feel good, does it? It can be messy, and painful, and you might have to make it more than once. I have done the exact same thing. I sure get hooked by the “come and go” guy too, but I have to be determined, like you, to demand more for myself, because that’s what I deserve too. So I’m proud of you. You’re making the right, hard choices for you. And you will thank yourself and hug yourself and love yourself for doing it because you’re taking yourself to a better place. YAY for you!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No! The right choice feels like crap, but if I have to say so myself, yes, I do deserve better. I’m sick and tired of being trampled over. I want to be treated with decency – and that starts with myself. Thank you for all your encouragement BPOF ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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