The truth will out. As it turns out, I had every reason to be frightened of Lover. I’ve come to learn that he is a narcissist. A narcissist with an addiction is a very dangerous thing. Sending him packing, as difficult as it was, as difficult as his abandonment still is; was probably one of the better choices I’ve made in my lifetime.
I’ve come to learn that pretty much everything Lover has told me since I’ve known him has been a lie. His ex-wife has bipolar – no she doesn’t. He occassionally binge drinks as a crutch – he’s a chronic alcoholic who’s been drinking like this his entire life. No history of alcoholism in his family – uh, no. His father is an alcoholic, his father has 14 siblings and they are all alcoholics, he has 5 siblings and they are all alcoholics. His drinking has nothing to do with the breakdown of his marriage – nope again. He spent 3 years unemployed, expelled by the Jehova Witness Church, abandoned by family support, living on the streets – you guessed it, no again! He spent a whopping 10 years, a whole decade, living on the streets, begging, stealing, drinking.
With each new nugget of truth uncovered, I began to feel less confident about my sexual health. Could I believe his claim to be HIV/AIDS free? As the doubt took root in my mind, I began to freak the fuck out. Was that statement just another lie. Had I exposed myself to the virus? A deadly virus so prevalent in South Africa.
Its a defining moment – when you suspect you have a fatal illness. It puts suicide in perspective. My train of thought ran down that dark track, deciding that, should it be so, I would not accept treatment. I would come to terms with my fate and I would choose to die. I would embrace death because it’s something I wish for most days of my life. Then why was I so scared to take the test? One of life’s conundrums, I guess.
So I went to the clinic today and took the test and it was negative. I do not have HIV/AIDS. I wept with relief., which is strange ‘cos I seem so eager to die. The nurse watched me confused and said – why are you crying, dear? This is a good thing.