It’s not personal

Nobody knows for sure, but I’ve been told they think he left on the bus to Cape Town at 10am today. I should be relieved. I should be happy he’s gone and will soon be someone else’s problem. But I can’t break through these feelings of guilt and being abandoned, left behind, deserted. Unwanted. It’s a choking, physical pain.

love fuckin’ hurts. i want to wash away the memories (pic)

I’m trying to tell myself its not personal. He’s just a thief and a liar, a sick drunk, who hasn’t left me because he didn’t love me, but actually never loved me to begin with. I’m trying to tell myself that he hasn’t left me, but has instead run away. He’s a coward and has run away from his accountability. I’m trying to tell myself that he burned his bridges here in Durban and had nowhere left to run. So he’s run back to Cape Town….. from where he orginially ran one year ago.

I’m trying to tell myself these things. Repeating them over and over in my head. But today it’s not working. For today, I am just unwanted and heart.broken.

But not tomorrow. Tomorrow will try to be different, because he’s taken enough from me already. Throughout this experience, I have come to recognise that this grief and abandonment is far older than my encounter with Lover. It’s been buried and breeding in the wet basement of my soul for a lifetime, and Lover’s actions merely brought it to light.

So it’s not personal. It’s not about him anymore. It’s about me.

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