Nobody knows for sure, but I’ve been told they think he left on the bus to Cape Town at 10am today. I should be relieved. I should be happy he’s gone and will soon be someone else’s problem. But I can’t break through these feelings of guilt and being abandoned, left behind, deserted. Unwanted. It’s a choking, physical pain.

love fuckin’ hurts. i want to wash away the memories (pic)
I’m trying to tell myself its not personal. He’s just a thief and a liar, a sick drunk, who hasn’t left me because he didn’t love me, but actually never loved me to begin with. I’m trying to tell myself that he hasn’t left me, but has instead run away. He’s a coward and has run away from his accountability. I’m trying to tell myself that he burned his bridges here in Durban and had nowhere left to run. So he’s run back to Cape Town….. from where he orginially ran one year ago.
I’m trying to tell myself these things. Repeating them over and over in my head. But today it’s not working. For today, I am just unwanted and heart.broken.
But not tomorrow. Tomorrow will try to be different, because he’s taken enough from me already. Throughout this experience, I have come to recognise that this grief and abandonment is far older than my encounter with Lover. It’s been buried and breeding in the wet basement of my soul for a lifetime, and Lover’s actions merely brought it to light.
So it’s not personal. It’s not about him anymore. It’s about me.

Allow yourself to grieve. It will take the amount of time that it takes.
But, personally, I don’t think he left you. He left himself. It has nothing to do with you. I know that doesn’t make it better, but it might add a little something to the list for you to ponder.
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Hope and pray you feel better soon. Your last statement is a powerful one. I’m so glad you realize that you have to take care of yourself now.
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Thank you…. I just have to figure out what self-care is…..
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You are very wise. I can relate to you on so many levels. It’s just time to be there for yourself, now. And we are here for you too.
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I feel ya. More than you can imagine. Stay strong. Thinking of you!
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