Double whammy

WARNING LABEL: Violent emotional outburst of bipolar proportions

shout - deviantart-com

It’s true. He’s gone. I can’t stop crying. It won’t stop and I don’t think I can do this anymore. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. Why? Why? Why? People ALWAYS leave me. My mother killed herself, my father remarried and told me – you’ll have to take care of yourself now Pieces, I have a new family now. And holy fuck has he ever kept his word on that one. Barely ever even phones me. Won’t acknowledge my bipolar. Rejection, rejection, re-fucking-jection. I’m SICK OF IT!!!!!

And in the midst of all this, I’ve lost my best friend as well. She was my ONLY FUCKING FRIEND. She introduced us, Lover and me. Granted she didn’t know him well. But she came to discover he was an alcoholic AND SHE DIDN’T TELL ME. She didn’t fucking tell me! She was all distant and acting strange with me. I didn’t understand what was going on. BUT I THINK SHE WAS AVOIDING ME!!!!! She didn’t tell me, she didn’t warn me. She says, by the time she realised it, it was already too late we had moved in together. The night I told Lover to leave, the night I FUCKING CAST HIM OUT AND PROPELLED HIM TOWARD A TOTAL AND COMPLETE SELF-IMPLOSION, I was highly emotionally charged and sent her an angry text about how she should have told me and perhaps it would have lessened my suffering. Now she won’t speak to me. I stand by the truth in what I said (‘cos I said other things as well), but I have swallowed my pride and apologised. I’ve grovelled like a pig in its own shit. But she will not answer me, acknowledge me, talk to me, text me. I don’t exist. YET ANOTHER FUCKING HUMAN BEING TO WHICH I DON’T EXIST.

But I don’t fucking exist. My father hasn’t contacted me the entire week. Not a peep since Saturday, when he was urging me to kick Lover out. No ‘how are you’, nothing.  My friend won’t speak to me. Lover has left me. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK??!!!!!!!!! *doubles over*in.fucking.pain*

ALONE. ALONE. ALONE. ALONE. ALONE. ALONE. ALONE. I’m sick of people, I’m sick of life and most of all I’M FUCKING SICK OF BIPOLAR ‘COS IT MAKES EVERYTHING FEEL BIGGER, COLDER, HARDER. I feel like I’ll never recover. GODDAMN THE UNIVERSE. For the briefest of periods I was wanted and loved and he told me we were forever. AND I FUCKING BELIEVED HIM?????????? Even Christopher Columbus would not be able to find a more gullible person on this planet than me.

Everytime I think of him on the bus heading back to hearth and home, my whole body goes cold. I’m done……. I’m done, I’m done, I’m done, I’m fucking done. I will forage through my stockpile and slip into a sweet oblivion. I HAVE TO escape my emotions. They are killing me.

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23 comments

  1. Please don’t do anything to hurt yourself. Please call a hospital…get yourself somewhere safe. You are not a bad person…you know bad people and there is a HUGE difference between the two. HE did this, not you. I understand how hard it is to move forward when you feel so absolutely horrifyingly awful, I really really do. A lot of us do and we are here for you.

    Please please please stay safe! Call whoever you have to call to get yourself somewhere safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Leslie – I’m fine, I’m ok. I’m so sorry to have had you worried. It was never my intention. I was just having a stupid vent, the shock of him really having left made me demented – something I would have done with my friend. But she’s not around anymore. Thank you for being here for me. But I’m fine. I’m a fighter, I’ll be ok. Thank you for caring so much xxx ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Honey, I know you’re in a lot of pain, and rightfully so. But please don’t do something you can’t come back from. The pain is overwhelming and it feels like it’s going to kill you, BUT IT WON’T. Self care, no, don’t throw up on me, self-care is key. Kindness to self. And you have lots of friends here. Are we any less real because we’re far away? I don’t think so. Please be kind to yourself. Please don’t hurt yourself. And if you can’t do either of those things, then please go to the hospital NOW. Because your life is worth saving, and it’s worth living. I’ve seen you better, lots better. I know you can overcome this. I’m with you and so are lots of others. Please hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for being one of my friends here BoF, and don’t worry, I won’t throw up on you. I guess this is another thing to learn, this ‘self care’ that you speak of. I haven’t hurt myself. I’m in no danger. I promise. I dunno about ‘worth living’ right now, but I’ll give it a go. I’m not one to give up. Thanks for always being here, all your sound advice. And mostly thanks for caring xxx ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh your response brought tears to my eyes. I’m so glad you’re ok!!!!!!!! I have really had you on my mind and heart. Thank you for hanging in there and thank you for your response. You are very dear.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re not alone sweetheart. Even if you don’t believe me now because the intensity of it all forces you to put up a strict wall. I’m with bipolar on fire. Please call emergency. Or go to hospital. I have nothing but admiration and respect for you. Please take care of yourself xx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Phew. I am concerned, even if it’s at a great distance. At the end of the day, all I have is words to offer you, but I’ve got your back. And if words are a bridge to support you, keep you up off of the floor, then I’m very happy to give them to you x

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Pieces – The very first post I read of yours was on January 3rd…”The time has come.” I instantly felt a connection, sorry if that’s creepy. I remember being scared to death to comment on it, because I had never commented on anyone else’s post before and it was obviously so personal. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. What if I offended, or said something stupid or my joke seemed lame?
    I remember the day I posted “Emotional Trifecta”, I felt like it was my first really good post! I was on pins and needles waiting and hoping YOU would read it and like it. When you commented that you like my writing style I was SO excited, that happiness carried me for days…and I finally felt like I have found a place where I belong…people that are really like me! I can put on a show and work a room in public, but all my life I have felt alone in my head. Blogging has been the first time I ever felt like I found people like me.
    Just from what I have read on your blog, I can TOTALLY get why you feel the way you feel. I cannot deny that you have valid reasons for being so distraught. BiPolar or not, what you have been through has been hell, so add BiPolar in the mix and it’s Hell to the power of 10! I’m so sorry.
    If you read this though, I hope you will pause for just a moment and accept MY truth that YOU MATTER. Your life matters. You ability to articulate it matters. Obviously, to so many people that follow you. But for me, you matter more than anyone has in a very long time. You have given me hope. You have approved of my voice. You have given a reason to keep coming back. I have been to a dozen support groups for a dozen different reasons, but I never fit in, anywhere I go.
    So please, please, from the bottom of my heart, please hang on…give life another chance…you matter.
    I believe finding the right people comes after you learn the “red flags” for the wrong people, but first you have to love yourself enough to believe you deserve to be with the right people.

    Make no mistake…you DO deserve it Pieces…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. In a time when I feel hope is lost, to hear you say that I gave you hope…. makes this, actually, all worthwhile. Almost bearable. For me life is about hope and its a gift to know that I could pass some on to you. Thank you for all you’ve written. It has made an impact on me, making me stop and think. And I don’t just say thing to say things, I speak with honesty – your writing style is lovely, easy, clear, refreshing to read. Thank you for here for me Tempest xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I ❤️ u Pieces. Please be kind to yourself. I know it hurts. It hurts like a motherfucking sonofabitch, but we are here for you. We will listen to you rant, and wipe the snot and tears off your face when you cry.

    Hang in there PLEASE my lovely.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know we’ve messaged. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to have made you worry, especially when you’re going through your own hard time. But thank you for always being there Blah. I couldn’t have gotten this far without you xxx ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m glad to read in the above comments that you’re okay. But *sigh*! This is truly a rant from the bottom of the pit. I can hear it in every word.

    I cannot imagine how cold and lonely it must feel to be turned away from by your father like that. I’m so sad that he’s such an emotionless asshole and in your life to torment you.

    ❤ My heart is with you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks bp709. I had made peace with the situation. But they say you always marry/have a relationship with your ‘father’. So Lover just buggering off like he did, opened old wounds. But I’m ok, I will be ok. Thank you for understanding and caring xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi friend
    I can understand your frustration. Chances are many with mental illness have felt the reject mood. Keep moving forward- You have to rely on yourself not others to validate you. You’ve come a long from when we first met. We fall many times in, we have to get back up and see about ourself. Your help is #1, keeping you job #2, family, lover all the other bullshit you have to learn quickly to push aside, focus on feeling better. The you can come back with a clearer mind and deal with the craziness one item at a time.
    You know I shot straight, your wellbeing, happiness, health and mental health is up to you. One of the greatest feelings was reaching the point I had control. Doesn’t mean I’m not pissed off or blow a fuse. It means I don’t listen negative people in my life, I only want to surround myself with people are rolling forward with there own problems.
    I’m not the most pleasant due the amount of pain and crazy shit with Lyme. I can only only change my self, don’t care what anyone thinks.
    I’ve had several shitty days this week and have to get on a plane in a couple of days. I hate flying now. I know I have to see doctor, just trying to make best of.
    One of the greatest ways to make myself focused on the positive. I give of myself, here at WP, my charity, or just a note.
    You are strong enough. Maybe but a boxing bag and work on it when the need overtakes you.
    Thinking of you.
    🙂
    M

    Liked by 1 person

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