I’m coming to realise the reason for my repeated pattern – choosing to love another alcoholic – is because I have never processed any of the shit from my marriage. Married for 14 years, together a total of 17 years, and I’ve barely mentioned it in my writings. Swept it under the rug in hopes of it disappearing and not impacting my new life.
I’m known for running headlong into brick walls time and time again before learning the actual fucking lesson. I believe that’s why this experience of loving an alcoholic has seemed so much more amplified, cursed with more misery, purely because I’m carrying twice the recommended load of suffering.
I need to talk about my marriage, the abuse, the fear, how he turned me into a shell of a human being. Turned me into nothing but a shadow and made me believe I was nothing, that I didn’t matter. But have you ever tried to fight with your shadow? Have you noticed it always fights back. I fought back and I got out. Now its time to let go and release all that pain. So I can take care of me. So I can move on with my life. So I can find happiness within myself.
I will not lie, I feel defeated. But I still have fight. I’m a bipolar, we always have a measure of fight in us. It’s how we survive. And it’s what makes us stand head and shoulders above any addict.