I wish I were a saviour

Save his life? Save my life? Saving one life condemns the other life? The moral conflict is killing me. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, the guilt chokes me. When my mother was at the height of her mental illness, she asked for help and I refused her. She committed suicide 3 weeks later. Granted, she wanted me to help her die….. but if I had helped, she would not have suffered as she did. I didn’t help her and she died a terrible death.

His behaviour has become worse, a dark, rapidly downward spiral. And it is my fault. His blood will be on my hands. Expelling him from the home has added new impetus to his implosion. How do I turn my back to his silent screams?

drowning__by_magggggg-d2xzbuu.jpg - source deviantart

Is he drowning, or am I?

Every minute of every hour of the day and night I’m compelled to phone him and say – come home, I’m sorry, just come home….

But with great force of will, I have to remind myself – this ‘self‘ that is now filled with disgust and shame and loathing at the callous act I forced upon another sick human being; this ‘self‘ that wants nothing more than to reach out in compassion for her fellow sufferer and lift him from harms way. This self knows the simple fact. I can’t fix him, cure him, help him, change him, make him want to change. It’s completely out of my hands. I have no control.

her_hands_are_bound_by_jadelouisewinter-d53pry7.jpg - source deviantart

My hands are tied, I feel bound by helpless

My torment lies in how do I stand idly by watching his demise from my sheltered distance? As a human being, how do I do this? My conscience bears me no peace. I wake frequently in the night wanting to phone to check that he’s safe, still employed or on the streets? Is he still alive?

Alive, yes, for me, it is this precarious.

And then I weep endlessly in sorrow and in helplessness. In fear and in regret. I weep for him, so lost. I weep for me, so guilty. And then always, always when I weep, I weep for my mother. Another lost soul I didn’t help.

Advertisements

10 comments

  1. Holy hell, shit, fuck and dammit. You must be feeling tormented. I wish I could help you. Nobody’s blood is on your hands. Your mother would have made you a murderer. This guy…. Idk. The right thing for him to do would be to get plenty of professional help for addiction, not whatever he’s doing instead.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Blah, you’re so kind. You know how it is though. Logically I know I’m not responsible, but inside is a voice that says “yes, BUT……” I guess that’s just one of my demons. But I am so very, very tormented. Thank you for your compassion, it is comforting ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know… And jeez, given the experience with your mom, I imagine it’s ptsd level triggers.

        The dude needs professional help. Not your help. It actually wouldn’t even be fair to ask for or accept your help.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s NOT your fault. This is his disease and I’m sure this is a very long-standing pattern for him. Only he can break it, not you. Al-Anon is a very great organization for friends and families of alcoholics. I’ve gotten great help there. If anything can help you clarify what’s yours and what is not, it’s Al-Anon. I hope you get more help with taking care of yourself and what’s in you to make you think you need to save broken people. I am with you, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It really really isn’t your fault. It’s his fault.
    However, the logical mind often cannot overcome the emotional mind. This is not your fault, but I see why you feel the way you feel and I wish there was something I could say that would be useful.
    Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can and maybe consider going to an Al-anon meeting where you can talk this out with others in the same boat as you. IRL support could end up being priceless for you.

    sending you prayers for strength and peace. xo

    Liked by 1 person

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s