Dial 0800-DRUNK

He told me he’d phone everyday to see that I was okay. He assured me, promised me that his resolve to stop drinking and turn his life around was stronger than ever. So when I got no call on Sunday, I knew. I just knew.

To put me out of my anxious misery I phoned him. He was drunk, barely coherent, still denied it. Talking was pointless and I disconnected the call. Like two cogs fitting together I got it. He didn’t love alcohol more than he loved me. He wasn’t rejecting me everytime he drank. He is simply an alcoholic who is as powerless over alcohol as I am over bipolar.

Ā 

I felt a surge of relief. It felt so strange and unbecoming; yet so comforting. Relief that this wasn’t happening here at home, in my personal space. Relief that I no longer had to worry about the very real and looming prospect of him losing his job. He’s not part of my world; he’s not my responsibility, not mine to worry about.

He’s gone and I will deal with the imprint of him left as memories in the home. The good memories in the beginning. But really? Those hopes and dreams I had were based on a person that never actually existed.

I feel like an ignorant fool. Married to an alcoholic for 17 years. Then my first real relationship four years later? Another fucking alcoholic! If I can’t trust myself and my own judgments, how do I trust other people? So for now, I feel a desperate need to shroud myself in isolation. I find this world far too cruel a place for me. As a bipolar with amplified emotions and no appropriate filters, I feel like a lamb to the slaughter.

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22 comments

  1. You made a hard decision and you stuck to your guns. You made the connection that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his disease. You’re doing great. I know you probably don’t feel like you’re doing great.

    You are not an ignorant fool. Every time we have a choice to make, we learn something. Sometimes, we have to make the mistake more than once for the lesson to really sink in. But, you’ve got it now. You are worth so much more than what he gave you.

    Go easy on yourself and be gentle with yourself as much as you can (I know the bipolar makes that so freaking hard), and write, write, write, write. I agree with Blah that you write very well. And even if I didn’t, this is YOUR space to say whatever you need to, so use it as you see fit.

    xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. PLEASE don’t be hard on yourself!! You didn’t know. But look at how different this relationship was compared to your marriage. You got out of it, quick. You had rockstar boundaries. You are taking care of yourself. You did everything right. Sometimes we can innocently get into something, taking someone at face value. But what you did when you got all the information, well you did everything you could for him, and then you did everything you could for you. So let it be an AFGE (Another Fucking Growing Experience) and know that you did right by yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m making some time to catch up with blogs, now that I can read again.

    You did good. You did the right thing. That was an act of self love so you’re moving in the right direction. Sorry it feels kak though. But for us, looking from the outside in, we see helluva strong spirit.

    We are here for you. And Blah is right. Keep writing. It was beautiful.

    Yve

    Liked by 1 person

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