Cleaning out my closet

Although we hardly spoke, yesterday was filled with anger, remorse, self-pity, regret. I knew what I had to do but wrestled with inner conflict all day. Finally I quietly said, you need to find another place to live.

All my fears of danger were unfounded, perhaps I was projecting my ex-husband’s alcoholic rages onto him. But I remain aware of the unpredictable nature of alcoholics. So let me not speak too soon, as he’s already phoned me twice since last night.

I was given me the impression I would be turning him out onto the streets, homeless. But he phoned his boss, who sorted out a temporary living arrangement for him. He went to the shops and drew out his share of the rent for February, telling me it’s the least he could do after all he’s put me through. He asked if he could leave now and come back during the week for his stuff. I stayed firm, and said no, it has to be done today. I didn’t want him having reason to return.

the_undesired_letter_by_ronaldbkg from deviantart

sorry‘ such a pitiful word

He’d bought a tablet in my name because he has bad credit. I made sure he gave me the tablet since I would now be liable for it (I take full accountability for my own stupidity). He handed it over without complaint. He didn’t have much – a few rubbish bags of clothes, a duvet and two pillows, some bath towels. I tried to help by putting his pots and pans in the bakkie. You can keep those, he said. I won’t be needing them. I wondered if that was another veiled threat at suicide. But that isn’t my responsibility anymore. I have my own suicides to avert.

Throughout, I kept fighting my eternal urge to apologise. I wanted to say – I’m sorry, stay, I still love you, I don’t want you to go, please don’t drink so everything can go back to the way it was before, please don’t leave me, I don’t want to live here alone. But I didn’t. I simply cried. For the loss of hope, dreams, broken trust and grief .

From start to finish, it took about one hour. We barely spoke. We both cried in our final goodbye. Well, I had never really stopped crying……

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24 comments

    1. The way I feel I don’t know if its helping any recovery….feeling closer to suicide than recovery to be honest. Thanks Blah, you always know the right things to say. And I will call on you if things get bad…. Alcohol, poisons everything, even the people that don’t drink it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just get yourself as gently as you can through the night – hope you’ve at least got chocolate or something. Shame man fuckit, I know you’re walking wounded right now, but at some point I think you’re going to be quite proud of yourself. In the meantime I’m proud of you.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you Blah *cries, sniffs* thank you. I’m demanding very little from myself, encouraging gentleness. I’m sure time will be good to me – it better fuckin’ be. Thank you for having faith in me. It really counts at the end of the day, having someone believe in you ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  1. *sigh* I feel for you and how tough this situation has been, but I applaud you for your courage and sticking to your guns. Once that chapter of your life has been closed, you can focus on yourself and your positive mental health.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Vic. Yes, this is tough. Right now I don’t see a way through but at least I’m free of the fear and unpredictability. I have to change my perception of guilt to courage, freedom. I’m hoping time will be gentle with me. Thank you for your wise words xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’M PROUD OF YOU!!!!! Nothing about this situation has been easy, and being apart isn’t going to be easy, at least at first. But there should be some measure of relief, and that must be a comfort. No more questioning yourself, or the relationship, or your safety. Now just snuggle up and take care of yourself. You’re in the Emotional Intensive Care. Only goodness and kindness can come your way, including from yourself. I will be thinking of you and sending you lots & lots of good thoughts. HUGS!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right BoF, I do have a measure of relief, an ebb in anxiety. I like the Emotional Intensive Care – think I’ll book myself a bed there. Sounds comforting. Thank you for the hugs and all of your sound advice along the way xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are never alone here. *Strongs and hugs* It was NOT an easy decision to make or come too. You held strong and firm, and it’s ok to cry your soul out for the lost dreams and hopes. It’s been almost 2 years and its been a long slow winding dark road to travel for me. I wouldn’t wish it on those i care the most for-here on WP or out in “reality”. But I can look back and say NOW, I am grateful for the lessons it has taught me, the people it has brought in my life and those who have exited. I am stronger now than I have ever been, and now I have someone that genuinely cares for me and wants to stand by my side and help me grow more.
    10 years of abuse, 2 more of separation, and being a single parent coping with Bipolar 1, I think if I can do it, even after the death of my oldest dearest and best friend in October, then we can all do it together.
    I am very proud of you for standing your ground even though you are broken. We love you here, and curl under the blanket with chocolate. We won’t judge ❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks SassaFrass. It’s comforting to know someone has been in a similar boat to me. Thank you for the encouragement. I would eat a chocolate, but I lost my appetite along with him. Just as well, can’t afford the fucking things since I have to pay for this place by myself. Oh enough self pity, even though you won’t judge….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know the appetite loss. Sucks some major dick. And it is the little things sometimes that make us feel better. I’ll ship you some. 😊😊
        It’s ok to wallow for awhile. You’ve been through alot, and you deserve your self pitty right now. There’s quite a few of us who can all understand and know what you’re going through. ❤ Minute by minute, hour by hour for now. Don’t focus on anything else other than that.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so proud of you! You took such a massive step, and you dealt with it with such grace! Be kind to yourself. It hurts like hell now, but you will find, I’m sure, that the pain will ease as you gain peace from your decision. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m proud of you. And I’m happy that there was very little fuss when you told him to go.

    That said….I’m so sorry. I don’t know first hand how hard this must have been, but I can guess. Be proud of yourself for taking the stand that you know you had to take, and allow yourself to be sad.

    Prayers for strength and peace. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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