All aboard the crazy train

It’s day four of Lover’s sobriety. This week I’ve gained a greater understanding of the burden he is carrying and how it has triggered his drinking disease. Everything is fresh, raw and overwhelming. I can try to understand, but I DO NOT condone his behaviour.

No alcoholic worth his salt and tequila falls short of selfishness. So neither do I accept his attitude of ‘my problems are bigger and worse than anyone else’s’. You’re not exclusive, I told him.

Everyone has big burdens that are heavy and meaningful to them; it’s all relative. You don’t have the right to invalidate them, to make yourself better or worse than anyone else. You’re being arrogant.

crazy train - rashmanly-files-wordpress-com

source: rashmanly.files.wordpress.com

After taking him to the lawyer and doctor, I informed him this was where I got off his ‘crazy train’. I’m not a good passenger – I get motion sick. And besides, I’m too busy driving my own train. From here, the rest is up to you, I told him. I’m also not making a decision whether he stays or goes right now. The situation is too highly charged with emotion and its better to make a rational decision with the head, than an emotional one with the heart. I told him this as well.

I don’t even want to write this for fear of jinxing it……. He seems to have taken everything in – from the AA meeting, my psycho babble (courtesy years of therapy), printed google articles, to the lawyer and the doctor, and is eager to regain control and put his life back together.

That’s great . And he needs to go stand outside ‘cos he’s all so outstanding an’ stuff. But the secrets, the lies and betrayal, come at a cost. I don’t know who he is anymore. And I certainly don’t trust him. Time will be the only remedy and forecaster of what is to come.

Last night we were talking, I can’t even remember the topic, but he accused me of being ‘unfair’. Unfair? UN-FUCKING-FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In what parallel universe is he in to consider my behaviour unfair? A finer example of an alcoholic’s self-centredness I could never find. I shut down and went to bed. Its his birthday this month. I’m considering buying him a conductor’s cap or perhaps some luggage so he can pack up his shit and hit the road.

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23 comments

  1. Oh Pieces, I’m so sorry! Dealing with lies and betrayal is insanity at it’s finest. Your picture is so perfect…reminds me of Ozzy’s song!
    Proud of you for remembering that everyone carries their own cross, so his burdens are not worse than mine, yours or anyone else’s. It’s something I didn’t understand for a very long time.
    I know there is nothing that I can do to make it easier for you, but I can tell you that you are not alone and I hope that will give you the strength to follow through on doing what is right for you!
    You remind me a lot of me…I hope that doesn’t offend. -Tempest

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Blah. I’m horribly confused at the moment, but I’ve put boundaries in place that hopefully secure my own health. But boundaries do little to quell the fear and anxiety. I’ll never trust him again so don’t hold out much hope for the relationship. Once he’s on his feet I’ll reassess. Thanks for looking out for me ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ya, I would love that. But he’s from Cape Town (he followed the mother and his kids up here) so he doesn’t have anywhere to go. They have since moved back to CT. All very complicated. But for right now, we are living as roommates. He has the control to change the situation. If he puts one foot wrong re my boundaries – he’s out. I will not repeat my past patterns

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks. I’m trying. But I’m not very focused. I think one way (logical) and then another way (emotional). Kick him out/keep him here. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But I do keep turning to my boundaries and reminding myself ‘what I do not condone’. I’m doing day by day. Thanks for your support Blah ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it is very healthy that you have put boundaries in place, that are there for your safety and mental health.

    I did much the same with my wife when she was deepest into her mania, I had to draw that line in the sand and give her a hard choice – to stay with me and have set boundaries or to be on her own and have the freedom to do whatever.

    Either way I was prepared to live my life. Sounds like you need to be too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your point has hit home. Thanks for your honesty, Vic. You’re right, I’m not prepared yet to live my life. I’m waiting on him to choose how he’s going to live his. Fuck, this is so hard – letting go. A hard choice is such an apt phrase. Generally addicts don’t respect others, because of their ego’s, their belief in their almighty ability to manipulate and get their own way. They don’t respect boundaries, or hard choices. Maybe this time will be different?? I’m certainly trying hard to do things differently. To learn. You’ve got me thinking now – I need to amend some of my boundaries, changing them to ‘hard choices’. THANK YOU VIC!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It can be very tough because you feel emotionally connected and responsible. Almost as if you are “running away” if they don’t choose you over their mental health issues.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You sound like you’re doing well and keeping up with your blackbelt in boundaries 😀 great job. When you think about it, it’s good practice, because no matter who you’re with, you need those good boundaries. So, maybe just consider this a “practice” boyfriend who is leading you to bigger and better! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the sound of that BoF! A “practice” boyfriend, just to learn stuff from. And I LOVE ‘BLACKBELT IN BOUNDARIES’. Makes me feel powerful and in control! Don’t feel like it right now, but I’ll ACT like I feel it. Fake it ’til you blah blah blah……

      Liked by 1 person

      1. YOU GO GIRL!!! Just take this as the life lesson that it is and move on! One day at a time, one right action at a time. Hey! At least you’re in the game! I’m proud of you and inspired by you. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That is so profound. I’m making it my new mantra “one day at a time, one right action at a time”. Oooooh yeah, I’m still in the game. Its people like you and other followers who have given me guidance that keep me going. So THANK YOU!!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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