The irony does not escape me:
PIECES – bipolar woman marries/divorces alcoholic man and chooses to love……LOVER
LOVER – alcoholic man marries/divorces bipolar woman and chooses to love…..PIECES
I am torturing myself trying to find rhyme or reason behind this repeated life pattern. It’s accuracy is frightening. With my alcoholic ex I know I was an enabler, I know I was co-dependent. I’ve since learned I shielded my bipolar behind the veil of his drinking. Blamed his actions instead of taking accountability for my own health.
As an alcoholic reaches for instant gratification, I am grasping for instant answers. But I’m slowly realising that only time will reveal the answers. If I so choose, I have to live this experience and live it differently, in the best way possible for me. I will take every skill set I’ve learn and suck the marrow right out to survive this.
I don’t know what the outcome will be by the end of today, or tomorrow, or next month, next year. I can only live my life as best I know how, keeping my health my number one priority, regardless of his drinking disease. And living, as I always do, one day at a time.
Today he admitted he is an alcoholic; he says he wants to stop, to change; that this is the end. Granted he was drunk when he told me, but he seems committed to AA attendance (another one tomorrow). Something I’ve learned the hard way is that with addicts only time will tell, and only actions will predict the outcome. I have to remember recovery is not instant, it’s a constant work in progress.
So for right now, I’m letting go. I’ve chosen a gutsy, angry anthem song from Five Finger Death Punch (Lift Me Up), to give me some oomph me when times become tenuous.
I won’t be broken
I won’t be tortured
I won’t be beaten down
I have the answer
I take the pressure
I turn it all around