In a pickle

In my previous post, I made the statement:
I also believe everything in life comes to me as a lesson to be embraced, not run from. And in this instance, maybe I need to unlearn the conditioning from my abusive marriage and be open to discover that possibly not everyone who occassionally (recently discovered regularly) drinks to excess is an alcoholic.

But on the other hand, could my lesson not be:
When an alcoholic shows his true colours, don’t wait 17 years to leave him. Granted, don’t kick a dog when he’s down. Give one chance, two chances, four chances. Determine boundaries, give ultimatums, consequences, try to trust the promises. That’s fair enough, right?

liar_by_xheresyourletterx on deviantart-com

Source – liar by xheresyourletterx on http://www.deviantart.com

But when the betrayal begins, it’s time to be ruthless. Cut my losses. I don’t want to endure another life at the whim of a selfish alcoholic. I will have to be ruthless. But I can’t….. Tell me, why am I able to be so ruthless with myself, but not with someone else who is hurting me? It’s a great mystery to me.

blood_on_my_hands_by_theanimalparade on www-deviantart-com

Source – Blood on my hands by theanimalparade on http://www.deviantart.com

The number of times he’s threatened and tried to commit suicide frightens me. I know he’s manipulating me. But I don’t want to kick him out and have his blood on my hands.  I have put myself in this predicament.  So only I will know the way out

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24 comments

  1. This sounds incredibly difficult – no easy solutions. I hope you have supports and/or therapist to provide some guidance. ultimatums are so hard, and sticking to them even harder. But best for you and him to set a clear limit to what you are willing to handle. Good luck, hope things settle down for you real soon,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for the comment. I have a friend at work who is there for me. The boundaries are in place, and having gone to his first AA meeting last night (still drunk), he is compliant with them without any argument. I think one day at a time is all I can do now. Thank you for the encouragement…..I’m actually going review the boundaries today, now that I read your comment, the aim being ‘what am I willing to handle’. Thank you!

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    1. I want blunt. I want the honest truth. I know what you say is true. I know I’m not responsible for him. I don’t want to live a duplicate of my previous life. But how do I, in all good conscience kick him out onto the streets? He has no where else to go

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      1. I think the point is, he is a grown man, and he is not your responsibility, he is his own responsibility. He needs to fend for himself. He is emotionally blackmailing you into taking care of him. It’s his job to take care of him, not yours. I know it’s heartwrenching but you can’t let someone like that take you down.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know and I hear you. I’m living my nightmare again and all I wanted was a peaceful life. I’ve told him we’re finished but am letting him stay here until he gets on his feet. He went to AA last night. Dunno…… I’m so confused BoF. But thank you for the helpful advise, I do appreciate it

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thanks BoF! Some juju!!! Is that something edible coated in chocolate?? 😀 Seriously though, I have a keen eye on myself and my own wellbeing. One day at a time is how I roll. Thanks for your best vibes, now I feel warm and fuzzy 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. At the end of the day, you can only be responsible for yourself. I assume “he” is an adult, therefor can be held accountable for his actions and the consequences of what he does/does not choose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I can barely be responsible for myself, let alone him. I know he makes his own choices. But on an ethical, humanitarian level, how do I discard him to the streets? I appreciate your comments Vic, valid and will be added to the rest of my jumbled head as I contemplate my next move

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with the general swing of the comments here; take care of yourself first. Maybe you should go to AA with him. Get up and talk about YOUR experiences dealing with his alcoholism. They’re supposed to be his new support system. Dump the problem on them and tell THEM to help. He’ll have a sponsor, right? Talk to said sponsor. Make the moves to help yourself. ❤ I wish you much success.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great advice. I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but there are certainly times when the best thing for the person with the alcohol problem to be kicked out on the street. Sometimes this is needed for their benefit too. I don’t know if this applies here. Speak to AA, for sure.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I took him AA last night. Most of the stories started “I was locked out with a bag of clothes, kicked out with nothing”. I don’t know if I can do that….. But I guess possibly that could be the best for both of us *curls into foetal position*

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    2. I wish I could dump him on someone else. Its all about him making the choice. Like you say, I need to look after myself. And while I bear the consequences of his drinking, I’m not looking after myself. I’m having a bad day today, I don’t know what else to say. Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I took him, drunk, to AA last night. He was all for it. In the sober light of day, he’s full of denial.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m dealing with a step-child in the throes of addiction right now and it’s a bitch of a situation. We are on our first try to fix things. But, there has to come a point where our own self care is going to have to trump the threats of the addict.
    If you leave, and he does something horrible….that is NOT your fault. That is HIS fault. You must do everything that you can to take care of yourself. Try an Al-Anon meeting. These are for the loved ones of an alcoholic and somewhere you can get everything out without worrying about hurting someone’s feelings.

    Prayers for peace and strength for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Leslie. I was married for 17 years to an alcoholic, attended alanon, but he was abusive so I left. And here I am back again. Where I had abuse, now I have manipulation, deceit, threats. It feels like a mind game to outwit and outplay me. I no longer trust ONE WORD that comes out his mouth as I slowly begin to catch him in lies with convoluted stories to back things up. Dunno what’s true, what’s not, kick him out, drive to AA?? There’s a saying, where there’s confusion, there’s lies. I’m rambling. Thank you for your advice, I have taken it to heart

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