Life, love and all the demons inbetween

The day was Monday 04-01-2016
NOOOoooooooo! What’d you mean? LOVER’S NOT PERFECT?? Lover’s…… not…. perfect? What the fuck you talkin’ ’bout?!!!! Gimme a goddamn refund…….

silent_scream__by_requiem777-d60oqd0

Silent Scream by Requiem777 on http://www.deviantart.com

 

I saw it in the way you walked
I heard it in the way you talked
I smelled it on your breath
as you kissed lips now gone dead

The day was Wednesday 06-01-2016 and then again Sunday 09-01-2016
There was an incident ….or two. Triggers were sparked, behaviour provoked. There was fear and anger; torment and remorse; denials, indignation then silence. And once the drinking was over our weeping began. He was bravely honest and confessed, in times of stress he (ab)uses alcohol as a crutch. But as the ex-wife of an alcoholic, this is not a coping mechanism I can live with.

I was going to leave. Experience and all sound reasoning pointed to cutting ties. I wrestled with my dillema. The aroma of co-dependence in the air. But I’m all about hope and second chances. I don’t believe life is black and white, no one is perfect, including me. When stressed, I also have a crutch. I (ab)use my glorious stockpile of medication in the most inappropriate of ways. So who am I to point fingers?

I also believe everything in life comes to me as a lesson to be embraced, not run from. And in this instance, maybe I need to unlearn the conditioning from my abusive marriage and be open to discover that possibly not everyone who occassionally* drinks to excess is an alcoholic.

forgiveness

So, Lover’s is human after all. I accepted his apology and extended forgiveness, and now damage control begins. Numb with dissociation, I try to cope. I don’t engage, barely talk. I have sequestered myself from reality. I can see Lover is confused but because I feel nothing, I don’t care. I am an empty, hollow tomb of subsistence.

The day is today, Monday 18-01-2016
*correction on occassionally – change to regularly

lesson

And just when I thought it was safe to breath again…. the other shoe drops. I came home from work to a drunk who had been drinking on the job and drove home toasted. His ex-wife-the-narccisist had phoned and she’s the trigger for this behaviour. While I, a bystander in their drama, is stuck dealing with the consequences. Needless to say, I lost my shit. Big time. I am currently shit-LESS.

This CANNOT be happening to me again. Am I repeating a cycle? How many chances does a person deserve? He has nothing (ex-wife-the-narccisist) and if I kick him to the curb he will literally be on the curb, living on the streets. Am I that ruthless? I don’t think I can do that. I’m lost. I feel ashamed that I didn’t see the signs, like a real fuckin’ fool.  You’d think 17 years with my alcoholic ex was enough?  Well…APPARENTLY NOT!!!!  And now, I run the risk of falling into a depression.  Thanks a heap alcohol….

I’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it’s nothin’ new
I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue, and you say,
“Sorry,” like the angel heaven let me think was you, but I’m afraid…

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6 comments

  1. Oh no! What a tough space to be right now!!! Lover needs to get some help to deal with his trigger. And if you can stomach it, try to support him. I don’t really know what to say… I find myself in a similar situation (feeling “shitless”), but alcohol and losing ones domicile are not issues… Just “can I continue to live like this?” – Aaarrrggg!!!!! Life. It can suck big ol’ donkey balls

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We all have to carry our own backpack. Each of them is filled with things we want (love) and need (compassion) and things we wished we didn’t have to admit to (alcoholism, mental illness). With or without you, it’s his responsibility to carry his own backpack, not yours. Trust me, you have enough in yours to keep you plenty busy. Let him carry his own backpack for a while. Sometimes that alone is the window to clarity. Thinking healing thoughts for you. – Tempest

    Liked by 1 person

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