The day was Monday 04-01-2016
NOOOoooooooo! What’d you mean? LOVER’S NOT PERFECT?? Lover’s…… not…. perfect? What the fuck you talkin’ ’bout?!!!! Gimme a goddamn refund…….
I saw it in the way you walked
I heard it in the way you talked
I smelled it on your breath
as you kissed lips now gone dead
The day was Wednesday 06-01-2016 and then again Sunday 09-01-2016
There was an incident ….or two. Triggers were sparked, behaviour provoked. There was fear and anger; torment and remorse; denials, indignation then silence. And once the drinking was over our weeping began. He was bravely honest and confessed, in times of stress he (ab)uses alcohol as a crutch. But as the ex-wife of an alcoholic, this is not a coping mechanism I can live with.
I was going to leave. Experience and all sound reasoning pointed to cutting ties. I wrestled with my dillema. The aroma of co-dependence in the air. But I’m all about hope and second chances. I don’t believe life is black and white, no one is perfect, including me. When stressed, I also have a crutch. I (ab)use my glorious stockpile of medication in the most inappropriate of ways. So who am I to point fingers?
I also believe everything in life comes to me as a lesson to be embraced, not run from. And in this instance, maybe I need to unlearn the conditioning from my abusive marriage and be open to discover that possibly not everyone who occassionally* drinks to excess is an alcoholic.
So, Lover’s is human after all. I accepted his apology and extended forgiveness, and now damage control begins. Numb with dissociation, I try to cope. I don’t engage, barely talk. I have sequestered myself from reality. I can see Lover is confused but because I feel nothing, I don’t care. I am an empty, hollow tomb of subsistence.
The day is today, Monday 18-01-2016
*correction on occassionally – change to regularly
And just when I thought it was safe to breath again…. the other shoe drops. I came home from work to a drunk who had been drinking on the job and drove home toasted. His ex-wife-the-narccisist had phoned and she’s the trigger for this behaviour. While I, a bystander in their drama, is stuck dealing with the consequences. Needless to say, I lost my shit. Big time. I am currently shit-LESS.
This CANNOT be happening to me again. Am I repeating a cycle? How many chances does a person deserve? He has nothing (ex-wife-the-narccisist) and if I kick him to the curb he will literally be on the curb, living on the streets. Am I that ruthless? I don’t think I can do that. I’m lost. I feel ashamed that I didn’t see the signs, like a real fuckin’ fool. You’d think 17 years with my alcoholic ex was enough? Well…APPARENTLY NOT!!!! And now, I run the risk of falling into a depression. Thanks a heap alcohol….
I’d take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it’s nothin’ new
I loved you with a fire red, now it’s turning blue, and you say,
“Sorry,” like the angel heaven let me think was you, but I’m afraid…