Exhaustion and the art of internal chatter

I had a bad night with Lover last night. *shrug* we all have our demons. Sooooo, not much sleep. Anxiety overload.

I’m not adequately medicated. Only taking lithium. Doc’s plan is to start from scratch and I only see him in one and a half week’s time. My mood swings are a fairground attraction. Jovial turns to forlorn. Dark and irritable, grumpy and angry, I feel like I could snap at any minute, beat someone to death with my handbag. I have to keep myself strongly contained at work. An enormous amount of internal chatter. Can’t be having “unacceptable behaviour” so early into my return from “resting and getting better”.

So I tell myself: It’s okay. You’re doing fine. Noooooo, don’t react, just say “yes” and avoid conflict. Don’t talk, it will only get you into trouble. I can’t do this today. Yes you can. Just keep saying “yes” with a smile. Put your head down and work. I dunno how I’m gonna get through today. Okay, get lost in work, the time will go quickly. You’ll be fine. You’re doing well. No I’m not. Yes you are. You’ll be fine. One hour down, seven and a half to go. Good girl, another hour’s gone by. Noon, keep going, it’s almost nearly hometime. You can do this.

mask

I’m happy when I’m sad, amiable when I’m angry, bubbly when I’m tired and giving a fuck when I don’t (source: http://www.lifejunkies.net)

It’s hard work, a momumental effort, to wear a mask. To plaster a smile of my face and be merry, accommodating, patient, capable. I am utterly exhausted. I don’t know how I will manage to get through today. I know I will. Because that’s what we do. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. Until hometime, bedtime and an exquisite disappearance from the world.

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8 comments

  1. Pieces, know you are not alone even if I can’t lie that I can feel exactly what you feel. I have however been somewhere around those ackward situations and do empathize. Yes one second at a time, try listening to some calm music every now and then even while working maybe? Taking small 2 min breaks etc find something which could work in calming those mind muggles and eat up some minutes you know… and those too shall come to pass 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Society’s demands are exhausting. Who does society think it is? Donald Trump? 🙂

    Warning: You have just been Trumped. Similar to the game of tag, chain letters, and WordPress awards, there are only two rules for the Donald Trump game. First, you must use the word “Trump” in your next post. Second, you are required to carry this game forward, Trumping at least 5 other people in the comment sections of their blogs. Failure to follow these rules will bring about your destruction (or maybe just a little gas). Good luck, and may the one with the best toupee win!

    Notice: You do not have to wear a toupee to be eligible to win, even though there are no winners in this game and no prizes will be awarded. (However, the internet has recently reported that Donald Trump has agreed to pay $1 for each time someone uses his name on the internet.)

    Liked by 1 person

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