I had a bad night with Lover last night. *shrug* we all have our demons. Sooooo, not much sleep. Anxiety overload.
I’m not adequately medicated. Only taking lithium. Doc’s plan is to start from scratch and I only see him in one and a half week’s time. My mood swings are a fairground attraction. Jovial turns to forlorn. Dark and irritable, grumpy and angry, I feel like I could snap at any minute, beat someone to death with my handbag. I have to keep myself strongly contained at work. An enormous amount of internal chatter. Can’t be having “unacceptable behaviour” so early into my return from “resting and getting better”.
So I tell myself: It’s okay. You’re doing fine. Noooooo, don’t react, just say “yes” and avoid conflict. Don’t talk, it will only get you into trouble. I can’t do this today. Yes you can. Just keep saying “yes” with a smile. Put your head down and work. I dunno how I’m gonna get through today. Okay, get lost in work, the time will go quickly. You’ll be fine. You’re doing well. No I’m not. Yes you are. You’ll be fine. One hour down, seven and a half to go. Good girl, another hour’s gone by. Noon, keep going, it’s almost nearly hometime. You can do this.
It’s hard work, a momumental effort, to wear a mask. To plaster a smile of my face and be merry, accommodating, patient, capable. I am utterly exhausted. I don’t know how I will manage to get through today. I know I will. Because that’s what we do. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. Until hometime, bedtime and an exquisite disappearance from the world.