The time has come

I’m terrified! It’s back to work tomorrow after an absence of almost 2 months.

Firstly, do I still have my job? That is, either a job within the company or my job as it was before I left. My concern is valid. On my return to work after a previous hospitalisation 5 years ago, I began my first day back learning a new job. Ya get my drift, right. I’m worried…. very, very worried.

And secondly there’s the curiosity factor. The surprise to see me, the little-bit-frightened to see me (‘cos ignorance) and can’t quite make eye contact, the questions, the gossiping and ultimately the judgment.

Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages? I heard you were sick, what was wrong with you?

Oooohmehgod! I’m bipolar for godness sake. I’ll rattle off the truth, social boundaries be damned:
Well, ….. suicidal ………. psych hospital ……. suicide watch, and then …… destabilising treatment ….. horrible withdrawal …………. sick …………… human misery ………… mostly now I just have diarrhea”

And then would come that standard reply: “Ooooh!….. aaaah, um, I’m so sorry, well, um…. welcome back. I’m glad you’re better. You’re looking so good!”

time has come1 - chuchy5-deviantart-com

They will tell me I look good, I look well, I look fine. But they don’t understand, my illness is invisible. (source: http://www.chuchy5.deviantart.com)

I know some of them would mean well, but………….. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhh! I look good ‘cos of makeup, but I’m certainly not better. Not cured! I’m not even adequately medicated at this point. This is only another new beginning of another new cycle of experimenting which new drug I can tolerate. So NO! I’m not better, not cured of my insanity. But I can’t say that.

Lemme tell you, Lover is not just a pretty face, he gave me good advice – deflect the question, people like to talk about themselves, and if you have to, answer indirectly, he said.

So I’ve worked on my strategy and a few replies:
I haven’t seen you in ages, where have you been? Ag, I wasn’t well at the end of the year, but I’m much better now. Tell me, how was your christmas and new year? Did you do anything special? Boom…deflect!

What was wrong with you? It’s personal. I’d rather not talk about it. But thank you for your concern. By the way I love your dress! The colour looks gorgeous on you. Where did you get it from? OR I don’t really want to talk about it ‘cos it’s quite personal. But I’m so glad to be back at work *forced laugh* How was your christmas break?

AND AGAIN LADIES AND GENTLEMENT – BOOM…DEFLECT!

time has come2 - deviantart-comsource: http://www.deviantart.com

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23 comments

  1. I’ve been in those shoes, off for 3 mos depression, back, people dying to ask why, everyone smiled alot, saying I looked wonderful (as if I went to the Bahamas for a cruise vacation yet not tanned) and if I lost weight. I don’t think they were wise to the fact I was off for depression, yet somehow they spoke very s-l-o-w to me? HUH?

    Good luck to you, if they talk slow to you, ask why? I didn’t and I regret that! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate it when they say you look wonderful. I mean, we don’t look very well on the inside, and secondly it really dials up the guilt factor for me. And then the paranoia – I think they think I’m lying, that I was actually sipping drinks and relaxing somewhere….. I hate this

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It seemed the ‘lunch bunch of ladies with the loose lips’, probed me the most about why I was off, but I kept my trap shut. They didn’t care about my health, they just wanted to know. Imagine if they knew it was a mental illness issue, that would have spread like a virus (very large office). Stigma at it’s best.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, work people already know I have bipolar. From the last time I went to hospital…. But always awkward. And you are so right, they don’t actually care about you, they just enjoy the gossip. Sometimes when my bipolar unintentionally slips out, I give them lots to gossip about. Its difficult to know people are talking behind your back, laughing at you, but I try to console myself by saying – this is who I am – don’t like me, then leave me alone 🙂 Maybe that’s why I have so few friends *joke*

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  2. I’ve got it! Tell them this…”I had amnesia from a bump on the head and while I haven’t regained ALL my memory, I was lucky enough to remember the good memories and positive people in my life…and oh, by the way…what was your name?”

    Just kidding! Seriously though, I’ll be sending good thoughts your way and hope to see a post on how it went when you are up to it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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