A whimper of a war cry

A new discovery about venlafaxine withdrawal – it’s an activity best enjoyed with company. Nothing like distraction to keep those fears and demons at bay. At least for a little while anyway.

Lover went to work today. Knowing I would be home alone I woke up this morning with The Fear perched on my chest. So heavy it had expelled all the air from my lungs, it’s face so close to mine it was only a blur. The Fear leaned forward and whispered these words in my ear:

choose

How do I live if I can’t breath? Without breathe, life is not sustainable. When I close my eyes The Fear is there. When I open my eyes The Fear is there. When I do laundry, make coffee, have a cigarette, The Fear is always there. It stalks me by day and invades my dreams at night. It keeps me frozen in place because I know it lies in wait for me.

I try a new mantra – this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass….. But the mantra fails as it morphs into – will this pass? Will this ever pass, I hope this passes, please let this pass, why is it not passing? Uh oh, I think I’m going to pass out.

I have no peace. When I try to rest The Fear accelerates my heartbeat and I feel sick and sweaty. A dread, a foreboding my constant affliction. My heart pounding inside my head and I chew anxiously on my thumb’s fingernail. A professional thief he is, The Fear. Stealing my peace, my patience and composure, my self-confidence, self-esteem and sorely testing my courage.

What was is Braveheart roared?

“They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom”

So, to The Fear, if I dare say….. You may take my body, but you’ll never take my mind….

This will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass, this will pass……. I fucking hope this will pass…….

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4 comments

  1. Ugh, I am so sorry you are having so much trouble. I know fear too, fear of all kinds. And anxiety. One thing that works for me us Seroquel. It takes away my anxiety and fear. I wonder if that might be an option for you. And yes it will pass. XXXOOO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wish it could be. Several weeks ago I was put on it but had bad side effects. So I had to stop taking it. My doc thinks I’m sensitive to medication so I predict a bit of a long road ahead to find another cocktail that works. But, yes, this will all pass. Thank you for your concern xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my gosh, I am extremely sensitive to meds as well. I had genetic testing done to see which meds I could take and found out the enzyme I have that breaks down drugs is the slow version, therefore the drugs stay in my bloodstream longer and therefore I have more side effects. I have to take minuscule doses, also I can’t take every medication. I wonder if you can get genetic testing, ask you doctor. I’m going to write a post about it right now! Good luck.

        Liked by 1 person

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