It’s a tough one

Best I say trigger warning (suicide)

I’m driving to work. Should I turn back and go home? There’s a turn-off coming up. Should I do it? I drive by and continue to work. Its Monday, and I don’t think I can get through today. Another turn-off approaches. I think I will definitely turn around and go home. Yes, I’ll do it. I rehearse the explanation for my absence, “Boss, you see I’m depressed and don’t want to live anymore, so I couldn’t be bothered coming in to work today. It’s all a bit pointless really.” The turn-off passes me by. I don’t want to do this day. I can’t do this day. This day is doing me. Guilt drives me onwards to work.

no u-turn_0

Before I know it I’m in the parking lot sitting in the car, still debating. Should I just reverse and go home? Maybe I could run upstairs and write a note for my boss. Instead I plod up the incline of the parking lot and into the office. I’m exhausted and still have the rest of the day to get through.

I scavange my brain for every mantra or bargaining tool at my disposal. I dig into my arsenal of music. But still I want to die. So very, very much.

The office conversations drifts in and out through my music. Mundane stuff… my son writes exams on Tuesday ……look at my new shoes my friend bought me …..did you have a nice weekend? The cheerfulness disturbs me. I can’t relate. I want to die. I go to the bathroom and practice aminated faces so I can fit in.

freakin_sweet_face_big_sad_eyes_girl_desktop_1280x1024_hd-wallpaper-80010

 

I spend the rest of the day listening to ‘Stay With Me’ on repeat, snapping at people, discreetly going to the bathroom to cry, and always, always still wanting to die. Its nearly hometime. I will go straight to bed and disappear. Maybe I won’t go to work tomorrow. Maybe. Most likely I will. Another ground hog day of torture.

I do the unmentionable. I accept defeat and phone my doctor. “I’m quite suicidal” I politely inform the receptionist and she takes a message. He never phones me back. My isolation is compounded.

Fuck, I hate bipolar

Advertisements

26 comments

  1. I’m so sorry. I know how this feels and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (well…). The fact that pdoc didn’t call you back is reason enough to find a new one.

    Stay safe and keep talking to us.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I’m so glad that pdoc was working on your behalf. But, you’re right, it would have been nice to know. Glad things are going in the right direction.xo

        Like

      1. Ohhh I think I understood, I always felt I don’t belong here (being alive, living, doom & anxiety) went to Dr,Rxd antidepressant more suicidal. Nothing more done (Not much known/treated for child psych then)

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It is tough being in such a dark place and you do not see any avenues of escape. So just wanted to wish you well, rooting for you and sending positive vibes your way.

    Like

  3. Don’t give up! you will get better! Find another doctor! You are not alone even though I know that’s how you feel. I’ve been there too. Yes, I too hate bipolar.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hate your fucking doctor!!! He must be replaced. And possibly lose his medical license on this one. But back to you, you are struggling, and I am so sorry. This is hell. You need to put yourself in the Emotional Emergency Room, only kindness to the self, and gentleness allowed. Think of how you would treat your best friend in this situation, and treat yourself accordingly. PLEASE!! I send you my biggest HUGS!!!!! BPOF

    Liked by 3 people

    1. BOF, I know its not a laughing situation, but you always make me laugh. I fucking hated him for a while as well. But behind the scenes he was booking me a bed at the psych hospital. But…. a little heads up woulda been nice. A little less anguish on my part. So I’m in a safe place right now xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your doctor didn’t call you back?!?!?! What the hell is wrong with the sob? Call them back and tell them your family is going ti sue them if anything happens to you. I hope you feel better soon, get in touch with that doctor of yours, please. Take care, sending you hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s