Bipolar is a bully

I feel like a complete and utter failure. I’ve had a confusing year and I’ve lost my footing with my beloved blog. Like a cold car engine on a frost-bitten morning, I can’t seem to get going again. To get the pace idling and the stories flowing.

I write and I delete. Then I write again. And delete again. Nothing makes sense and every blogging effort seems to be futile. That includes posting my own work as well as interacting with fellow bloggers’ posts. I can’t seem to read beyond 100 words and my attention scatters.

 

I feel so angry with bipolar – the way in which it steals my ability to participate in life. Living reeks of ground hog days grinding over and over – get up, get dressed, make it through a days work without incident, crumple into a heap when I get home. Being hyper-vigilant I do nothing ‘wrong’ to anger the ordinary folk. Everything seems taxing and twice as hard to do. Even sleeping has become yet another failure thanks to insomnia.

While I realise I’ve just been diagnosed with early symptoms of psychosis and am feuding with new meds/old meds side effects and withdrawals, I can’t help but feel inadequate, incapable. A great big fat loser who can only manage the bare minimum of the nuts and bolts of life.

Bipolar is a bully. It’s sneaky and it fights dirty. It has me pinned to the ground in a wrestling death grip and I just don’t know how to bounce back.

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17 comments

  1. Honestly, even if you popped by my blog and just said “hey” I’d be happy. It’s your presence. Sometimes great writers, and you’re clearly a great writer, can be perfectionists. I think it’s normal for the bipolar brain to misbehave. Let us help out. I’m visualizing it like this: your blog is a jalapeΓ±o plant and the leaves are full of aphids. Your readers, we are the lady bugs – here to eat the aphids and support you

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re right. I’m a perfectionist to the exclusion of all else. And I should know better. Fellow bipolars are not going to judge me for being imperfect. And from now on I will pop by and say ‘hi’. I agonizingly deliberate over the comments I give and it takes so much time. And then I second guess my comments. I love your analogy, its beautiful. I have put up a wall. As soon as I start getting close to people, I push them away. In real life and on the internet. I think I need to let more ladybugs in. Thanks for the feedback La Sabrosona *blows you kisses*

      Liked by 2 people

  2. We all go through it you know, that disconnection from ourselves, words, people, whatever. And so that means that we all understand and you never have to worry about what we all think – therefore it’s really not necessary to beat yourself up about it either. And your writing is more than fine, you nana.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Blah. You’re the best of the best. Do others really go through a disconnect for almost a year? I’m such a loser, oops nana…LOL killed myself laughing. Haven’t heard that phrase in a looooong time. And thank you for the compliment. If I could write half as well as you…..I’d be a happy chappie. You rock! Thank you for all your support and understanding xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have several posts in various stages of completion because I lost my train of thought or suddenly thought my point was stupid. But don’t delete them. Save them as drafts. You never know when your thoughts on something will come together and you will be able to take that draft you hate and turn it into something you love.

    I’ll read a blog post by someone else and have no clue how to comment, though I very much support and agree with them. The “like” button has become my “I get what you are saying, I agree and sympathize with you”.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow, I have been where you are. Earlier in the year I couldn’t think of a fucking thing to say and felt totally uninteresting and uninterested. I couldn’t muster up a “Hello, I’m alive” and I didn’t think anyone would give a fuck anyway. I’m sorry you’re struggling. You’re not a big fat loser, not now and not ever. You’re struggling, and that’s hard, and it gets better. That’s it! And you WILL bounce back, and so will your blog. Your friends here are always here. Take good care πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi Friend
    It’s hard to separate who you are at the core and what is the disease talking. You might talk to about low dose sleep aid. It sounds like you beat yourself up 24/7. I do the same damn thing. We all do to some degree, our illness takes from us. Sometimes it’s easy to function and the black dog isn’t pulling you under. Times like know, the black dog has you and is pulling hard to keep you down. The blog is nothing to worry about. You’re health and on going health is most important. Remember this will pass, you are a Survivor. Keep repeating positives as often as you can and maybe you’ll help this rough patch leave at bit sooner. Starting meds and adding meds and dealing with side effects suck. What helped me was keep a log of every med you’ve taken and the side effects and how long they lasted. It’s a pain in the ass now, You’ll be glad later. All meds have side effects.You have to determine if the med is making you feel better and can you live with side effects. Down the road when he wants to do a med change you can look in your book to see if notes are in there. Spend some time learning what specifically his diagnosis is. Take care and fight hard to get on level ground again.
    Melinda

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Words of great encouragement – thank you so much Melinda ❀ I've started compiling my meds journal. Its quite shocking when you see on paper how much of a beating my physical body is taking. But it certainly is worth it for the improved wellbeing. You're right, I am a survivor and will lay my claim to victory. Thank you for your ongoing support, despite the difficulties you yourself go through xx

      Liked by 2 people

  6. It’s hard to be different. Difficult to be special. But I’m glad we’re not all the same. And while I’m sad to see you struggle, allow me to be awed by your strength and courage. Your intelligence and your talent with words. You remind me of…

    “Part of me suspects that I’m a loser, and the other part of me thinks I’m God Almighty.” John Lennon

    Did you know that Hans Christian Anderson and Agatha Christie were bipolar? (Jon Bon Jovi and Madonna, too.)

    http://www.bipolaraid.org/famous_bipolar_people.html

    Liked by 1 person

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