My experience with bipolar is one giant, lifelong learning curve. Just when I think I’m beginning to understand it, it knocks at my door and shouts “come out, come out, wherever you are”! I’ve recently discovered a new trigger for hypomania – online dating……
My usual symptoms of my hypomania:
- A belief that I am FUCKING.FABULOUS.
- I’m the FUNNIEST.FUCKING.PERSON. Alive. I laugh loudly and everybody laughs with me
- I have the most FABULOUS.FUCKING. business ideas. They are faultless.
- Insomnia gives me extra time to focus on my FUCKING.FABULOUS. ideas
- I’m hyper-sexual. My mind just humps, oops, thumps ‘sex.sex.sex.sex’
I’m all depressed ‘n stuff. You know – don’t shower, anti-social, sleep for days, wanna die. As I begin to loop out of the depression, my energy returns, I shower, smell good, start living, even shave my legs, eat food that isn’t only ice cream. Hope is reborn. That somewhere in this industrial suburb a kindred spirit resides who will love me unconditionally. With great anticipation, I join a site. There is conversation, debate, outrageous flirting and flattery, empty promises and hope. Adrenaline and dopamine let loose in my veins suck me into the vortex of hypomania. The overstimulation of interaction, anxiety, late nights and lack of routine feeds a hungry hypomania like a protein shake:
- I construct my profile and think it’s FUCKING.FABULOUS.
- The profiles I chat with think I’m FUCKING.FABULOUS. because I’m funny and sexual, or should I say sextual and have no boundaries
- I fall in love and make attachments immediately and I feel FUCKING.FABULOUS.
- The frantic pace of online dating is exhausting and within weeks I start crashing.
- We date for a while. Then they inevitably and quite rightly claim “We laughed so much in the beginning. You’re just not the same person I met”.
- The dating stops, hope is lost and rejected, I fall into pieces. Depression settles in
- And so I return to my anti-social habits, not showering, sleeping for days, wanting to die and eating too much ice cream
Call me crazy, but only in my world would dating be a trigger of hypomania instead of a normal social activity.