The stuff of nightmares

Ever since I left my ex-husband-the-alcoholic in December 2011, I have regularly been plagued by what I call my screaming dreams.

I’m awoken from vivid nightmares in frightening ways – with my fist pounding the buggery out of my bed, or attempting to strangle my lamp whilst beating it against the wall. I’ll sit bolt upright and gasp for air as if I’m being suffocated, or panting like a runner. My own screams or shouts of Noooooooooo! or other such jibbery-jabbery wake me up. I’m sweaty, soaked through my jim-jams, and the nighmares seem every bit as real as I’m sitting here right now.

Monsters in my head

Monsters in my head

 

Yesterday, I woke up to the sound of my own voice whispering in the silence of the night ….as the tears ran down Haydens face, it would be another hour before they found his dead body... uh, creepy or what? In that dream, ‘Hayden’ was a baby in a crib, and someone was walking away from him.

Once my divorce was finalised last Sept 2014, the screaming dreams abruptly stopped. Just last week I had 2 immensely happy dreams Then on Friday, driving home from work, I passed my ex going in the opposite direction. Seeing him triggered four recurring screaming dreams over the course of Friday and Saturday.

Google told me these nightmares indicate issues of abandonment, and mean…… either my issues still need working on (ya think!), or they have healed and are being released (wtf, is release supposed to be so frightening?). Yet another suggestion was “instead of feeling abandoned, I need to live my life with abandon”. Interesting twist I suppose.

The return of these nightmares doesn’t scare me as much as the fact that it only took a three second glance at him whizzing by in traffic, to ressurect them.

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16 comments

  1. It sounds quite horrific to go through. I know you’ve said that you Google this symptoms, but would you willing to tell you doctor about them too.
    Especially if your Ex lives near, and there is a chance you may glimpse him again.
    I’m sorry I’m not able to help more, but I hope there is someway your screaming dreams will stop.
    xx xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s not surprising that the asshole triggers your demons – can you ask your doc for something to take for sleep at night, that’ll get you so deep asleep, that you don’t get the dreams and those awful adrenaline rushes etc.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. An alcoholic abusive ex would do that to you. Nights can be horrifying on their own when you have bipolar (I have rapid cycling as well), but the ptsd-like symptoms of trauma can make them even worse. I do hope it gets better and that you and maybe your doc can figure something out to help you sleep. (btw–I was given ambien once and it made my nightmares worse.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When you suffer from PTSD, your brain tries to work through the traumatic memories. Unfortunately, the divorce was just the first step to healing. If you don’t work through the memories while you’re awake, they will haunt your sleep. Pretty soon, you might be afraid to go to sleep. And sleep is supposed to be restorative, not frightening. You could try something like virtual reality to work through these issues in a safe setting with a therapist, or you could try playing a video game where you triumph over the monsters. But ignoring and packing away the memories only works for so long.

    Peace. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks painkills2. Leaving him, and the divorce were pretty traumatic. I know I have a lot to work through and sometimes just don’t know where to begin or how to go about doing it. I’ll try your suggestions, because you’re right, I’ve just packed them away when they are still emotionally charged

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your night terrors sound awful. I’m glad that you are out of the relationship and wish you the best as you heal from PTSD and triggered nightmares. I agree with Looking for the Light that a good therapist could help you heal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kitt. I’ve read about PTSD in others’ blogs, but never actually linked it with my abusive marriage. Hmm, denial will find a way to sneak in somewhere. So thank you for your comment, it gives me some clarity now going forward

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I, too, suffered horrible nightmares after leaving my abusive relationship. I moved to a new city, a new state. One day I just felt like I started to see him on street corners…The nightmares came back, worse than ever. I later found out that he HAD tried to track me down but been arrested at the state line. I shudder to think of the consequences. My heart is with you.

    Thank you for this post and for your blog. I’ve nominated you for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award. Every time I read your posts I feel a little less alone. Thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much bp709 for nominating me for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award. I’m so glad you can relate to my own experiences, which in turn gives you encouragement and hope. Feeling isolated and alone can be a deadly reality. I’m so, so pleased you don’t feel so alone. In my blogging experience I’ve always thought if I could help/comfort just one person, then its all worth it. And now you have made it all worth it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It takes one day at a time. You don’t have spend a lot of money to treat yourself. a couple of small candles, as you can treat yourself to nice bath salts, nothing relaxes than a bath. Last night I saw these cool facial mask saturated on cloth. You could enjoy your mask while having a nice treat.
      You can do anything, one day at a time. You’re doing well.
      M

      Liked by 1 person

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