A tragedy of human proportions

Isn’t it tragic when one of the people who created you, exhibits such displeasure in who you are, in who you have become, and will not allow you to be yourself. Who shows no concern in your mental health, is ashamed by the diagnosis – hell, won’t even say the word……

….B.I.P.O.L.A.R………………………………………..

Hell, doesn’t even believe I am sick. I ask him to google, read up on bipolar because that will give him a better understanding of his only child. He tells me he doesn’t need to do that, he has a general idea of it. I need to exercise. And meet new people. Then I’d be right as rain.

I was trying to build bridges with him after a long period of no communication. But after this, I’m not interested in bridges. Only being left alone by said party.

If its not one loss its another. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot. I know how I will do it. I have two options. One, gunshot. Two, jump. I’ve chosen the building. And it seems appropriate to jump since that’s what my mother did 23 years ago. And after all the bullshit today, I decided I would do it. No sooner had that thought crossed my mind, than I had an actual visual flash inside my brain. Followed by “FUCK THAT! Why should I let them rob me of my life!”

Just because I have failed my whole life to please that man does not mean I have to be sentenced to death. If he doesn’t like his daughter, then he should just fake it ’til he makes it. Am I right? I am who I am and I have a lot more good qualities than bad. He needs to take parenting classes more than I need to be committed.

If his only child brings displeasure and embarassment to him, then I’d say that says more about HIM than it does about me. So FUCK THAT! For the time being, I choose to live. And live any way I want to.

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9 comments

  1. Sweet, I am glad you got to that decision. It’s not worth taking yourself out to spare someone embarrassment. Give life your best with the lone sgot you got. I remember talking here about safe boundaries. Now, you are surer of how safe you wNt those boundaries to be. I feel ached by the memory of your mother’s own travail, and who knows if being married to X file also triggered her ‘Jump out’? Live, Love, Laugh!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Marie!! ❤ You are so right, we did talk about boundaries a while back. Yes, she did not have the easiest of times. Thank you Marie, I will live and laugh loudly….love, hmmmm, don't know so much ….. lol. Thanks for the support

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sweet, loving yourself primo! For long we thought love is best and real and validating when it comes from out there. Family, lover etc. I can tell you am revisiting that personally, and although I miss a ‘lover’ – I am my first and best love 🙂 think about it too: )

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      2. Thanks Marie. Yes, this has been brewing for many, many months. I’ve actually bought a cheap, little ring that caught my eye. I wear this ring to remind myself that I am “married”, committed to MYSELF. I will put myself first, love myself in sickness and health, for better for worse, I will obey what my body tells me etc. I won’t cheat (on) myself. So everytime I glance down and see my ring, it reminds me of how important I am to myself. I never understood validation, but I get it now, I really get it. I will use your mantra – I am my first and best love 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Sweet, and you’ll see how the more you glow about yourself from within, the different some of the people who’ll come around you. Some attracted by the magnetic force of the new you, while others come to try to ‘halt’ your glowing. It’s gonn take some time, and it could be bumpy, but enjoying the ride is what am trying my best to do! Cheers to ur new journey. Thanks for sharing and yes I yoo have a ring I actually wear on that ‘finger’ all the time I can remember 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are better off mentally to live your life for yourself. At the end of the day if you can look in the mirror and smile at the reflection you see, then that is all that matters!

    Liked by 3 people

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