What shadows me is a constant feeling of inadequacy. Of not fitting in, having no where to belong. Being a person that is ‘unacceptable’. It makes me unbearably sad, especially as I know this will never change. I try to be someone, someone definite. But bipolar hijacks me and I turn into someone else and no sooner do I turn my back, than…. I’m alone again.
As much as I am rejected, I push people away. No one gets too close, for fear of seeing the monster I mask. For fear of bearing witness to the fraud that is me. I will never live up to your expectations because I never live up to my own. The only consistent thing about me, is that I constantly disappoint.
With every rising of the tide or setting of the sun, I change. Sometimes, I’m too much…. too much talking, thinking, walking loudly to the beat of my own empty drum. Sometimes, I’m not enough…. lack of focus, interest…. likeability. I’m anti-social and withdrawn. The laughter stops and I grind through life entombed in a sorrow so piercing I’m convinced my heart has been punctured and is bleeding.
As the tide rises, so the tide will seep back into the belly of the ocean. And tomorrow the sun will rise again. These things are certain. And as for me? I have no certainty. I can only live one day at a time. Anything more would be unbearable.