As we were getting ready to leave work today, the new girl stated that she is scared of me. I frighten her is what she said “…I don’t ever wanna get on your bad side… what I’m saying is I don’t ever want to get in a fight with you”.
I am absolutely destroyed by this observation, simply because its not the first time I’ve heard it. My aggression has frightened friends, family members, co-workers. Even an innocent stranger, bank clerk or cashier is not immune to the force of my rage. I live in a small suburb and am slowly running out of places I can shop in. I’m too ashamed of my behaviour to return to those places that have born witness to previous outbursts. ‘Cos believe me, they’ll remember me, and probably call Security.
It comes out of N-O-W-H-E-R-E. There is no build-up of irritation. Snap your fingers – that’s how quick it is. Something flips, and I become someone I don’t recognise. My medications have affected my ability to find/remember words, to express myself fluently. But in my aggressive state, words fly out of my mouth with agility and speed.
Present in the moment, is a separate part of me shocked and wondering what the hell just happened? Logically going “WTF Pieces! What’s happening, how are you talking so fast, stop being so nasty, turn around, walk away before its too late, runnnnnn, runnnnnn Pieces, run! But its always too late.
A heavy weight of shame follows an outburst of rage. I have verbally assaulted and abused someone. Nothing, even bipolar, justifies my vile behaviour. My meds have systematically been increased over the years in an attempt to quell the public expression of madness. I don’t experience the rage as often as I used to, but… it’s still there… lurking in the dark, waiting …..
And set loose it was today, apparently. A work colleague and I had a brief exchange. And now I have frightened the new girl. On more than one occasion I’ve been called into the manager’s office to address my “unacceptable behaviour”. And now I’m worried sick about tomorrow. I’m constantly worried about loosing my job. Honestly, the safest thing for me at work is to just not talk.
Does anyone else have difficulty with this symptom? I’d love to hear from you….