Break me down? Bury me? I’m finished with you, bipolar

I am falling apart. This week 3 days of hypomania with 5 hours sleep. Today, down. Very, very down. No longer a detatched weight of dull, foggy depression. Instead a sadness that is physical. It has edges and it flows in my blood. I fight the urge to double over in pain. Every thought brings tears. And fear. It swells in my chest like a bubble that won’t burst. I can’t go on living like this. It’s exhausting.

This song works for me when I feel bipolar has me licked. No instant quick fix. I find it heats up my gut and gets me angry with bipolar. I scream at it in my head, come, come break me down, fucker. Bury me, bury me! Look in my eyes, you mutherfucka. You might have plans to bury me but I’m finished with you. You can’t get me.

Sigh….. and I play it over and over and over and over and over again until that smudge of belly heat becomes flaming hot and I begin to feel energised and angry and it somehow gives me a leg up (no not leg over), a little boost to just tip that scale that moves me from ‘very fucking depressed’ into ‘just depressed’. And that, I can live with.

 

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13 comments

  1. Would it help if I told you I’m being pulled down into the vortex too? Same thing..hypomania, insomnia and on Wednesday night when I went to check out the Freshly Pressed posts I clearly saw posts of 3 bloggers that are in my circle. Impulsively I sent one an email congratulating her.

    She responded with someone like “I had no idea. Thanks for giving me the heads up”. After which I checked FP again and wouldn’t you know the posts I “clearly saw” had magically disappeared. So embarrassing! To my knowledge I have never hallucinated before. But now I wonder… was it a hallucination?

    Btw this was inspired by one of your posts. I’m considering editing it. It’s angry and sarcastic. And frankly you’re probably not in the mood to read one of my rants. Just wanted to let you know your post was my catalyst.

    https://myspanglishfamilia.wordpress.com/2015/01/21/being-positive-is-stupid/

    I’m (virtually) sending you a very large bouquet of lemon-scented sunflowers. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no. I’m sorry you’re also have a tough time. I’ve never hallucinated before so I’m sure. It sounds like it could have been if nothing was there. Either that, or they deleted the posts. I have a problem with paranoia so my mind would go there…. it’s a conspiracy Oooooo……

      I’m absolutely honoured to have written a post that inspired you to write something. I have actually got a smile on my face – so thank you my friend 🙂 The lemon-scented flowers have just arrived, they’re beautiful:) Of course I want to read your draft. I’ll do it right now

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “The lemon-scented flowers have just arrived, they’re beautiful” made me smile. Thank you. I hope you’re not offended about my post. It was a defensive stance against the idea of wearing a mask.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been a bit MIA due to loss of another wonderful job which resulted in the need to move due to lack of finances. Thanks a lot faulty-wired brain. POB, this is a great song! Thank you for sharing it. I love your passionate hate of our disorder. I think we all just want to tell it to fuck-off and be done with it!!!! (((hugs)))

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