I am falling apart. This week 3 days of hypomania with 5 hours sleep. Today, down. Very, very down. No longer a detatched weight of dull, foggy depression. Instead a sadness that is physical. It has edges and it flows in my blood. I fight the urge to double over in pain. Every thought brings tears. And fear. It swells in my chest like a bubble that won’t burst. I can’t go on living like this. It’s exhausting.
This song works for me when I feel bipolar has me licked. No instant quick fix. I find it heats up my gut and gets me angry with bipolar. I scream at it in my head, come, come break me down, fucker. Bury me, bury me! Look in my eyes, you mutherfucka. You might have plans to bury me but I’m finished with you. You can’t get me.
Sigh….. and I play it over and over and over and over and over again until that smudge of belly heat becomes flaming hot and I begin to feel energised and angry and it somehow gives me a leg up (no not leg over), a little boost to just tip that scale that moves me from ‘very fucking depressed’ into ‘just depressed’. And that, I can live with.