I tried to do a post yesterday. Obviously didn’t work. Now I’m trying to do a post. It’s not working either. I’m getting so pissed off, so I’ll give you the bullet points:
- anorexic most of my life
- few years ago + lithium = fat + broken thyroid = fatter + divorce = fattest
- day 3 of banting diet = misery, pure fucking misery
- I can’t reconcile ‘eat fat to lose weight’
- are they sure this fat I’m eating is gonna come off? What if I get even bigger?
- I can’t reconcile ‘feeling full is a good thing’
- I cannot bare sitting at my desk, feeling full and clothing is tight. I want to fucking cut myself and I’ve never done that shit before!!!!!!
- I’m supposed to feel hungry to lose weight
- day 3 – how do I deprogram 25 years worth of my own warped thought process; self abuse
- how do I eat? I only know how to feel comfortable eating ‘forbidden’ foods, either binge/as a ‘reward’
- the rest of time I’m happy feeling starving… smoke cigarettes + caffeine
- no chocolate – freak the fuck out. Remove my chocolate, remove the one bright spark in my day that makes it all worthwhile
- no Coke®. See above
- I don’t want to do this anymore
ITS FREAKING ME OUT
- my friend has been doing this for 4 months and lost heaps of weight, her daughter lost 5kg in one month. What if I don’t lose? What if my metabolism is just too fucked up?
plus I’m depressed. Apparently the new year is my trigger. oh yay. suicide occupies more and more of my head. But in a detached way, clinical. I won’t do anything so no one worry
- sick and tired
- so tired
- sick in the head