I tried to do a post yesterday. Obviously didn’t work. Now I’m trying to do a post. It’s not working either. I’m getting so pissed off, so I’ll give you the bullet points:

  • anorexic most of my life
  • few years ago + lithium = fat + broken thyroid = fatter + divorce = fattest
  • day 3 of banting diet = misery, pure fucking misery
  • I can’t reconcile ‘eat fat to lose weight’
  • are they sure this fat I’m eating is gonna come off? What if I get even bigger?
  • I can’t reconcile ‘feeling full is a good thing’
  • I cannot bare sitting at my desk, feeling full and clothing is tight. I want to fucking cut myself and I’ve never done that shit before!!!!!!
  • I’m supposed to feel hungry to lose weight
  • day 3 – how do I deprogram 25 years worth of my own warped thought process; self abuse
  • how do I eat? I only know how to feel comfortable eating ‘forbidden’ foods, either binge/as a ‘reward’
  • the rest of time I’m happy feeling starving… smoke cigarettes + caffeine
  • no chocolate – freak the fuck out. Remove my chocolate, remove the one bright spark in my day that makes it all worthwhile
  • no Coke®. See above
  • I don’t want to do this anymore












  • my friend has been doing this for 4 months and lost heaps of weight, her daughter lost 5kg in one month. What if I don’t lose? What if my metabolism is just too fucked up?

plus I’m depressed. Apparently the new year is my trigger. oh yay. suicide occupies more and more of my head. But in a detached way, clinical. I won’t do anything so no one worry

  • sick and tired
  • so tired
  • sick in the head




  1. I was in this stage not too long ago regarding the food. I trained myself so long to ignore hunger. When I started trying to get healthy again I would hate the feel of being full, many times I still do… but I will tell you that it takes patience and practice and eventually it’ll feel normal to be full. Just try to get yourself to an “8” on the hunger scale from 1-10… that way, you won’t have to feel overly full and punish yourself.

    Anyway, you are working towards your health so just keep that in mind even when the days are shitty and nothing seems to be going right. You deserve to be healthy and happy and – most important – you deserve self-respect and self love. If you put yourself and your health first, eventually it will become a habit.

    Wishing you the best.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding. I must keep that in mind – to be patient with myself. I am mostly harsh and severe with myself. I’m just going to have to take it day by day, or I suspect, hour by hour. Although I must say, it’s pretty screwed up when self-abuse is a comforting feeling. Still trying to wrap my head around that. Again, much appreciate the encouragement


    1. OMG isn’t it just. I remember you did a post about sugar being similar to cocaine in the reward centre of the brain. This no chocolate thing has me feeling absolutely desolate. I just better lose weight. If not, you bet I’ll be throwing my weight around, tantrum style!!


      1. Well ja, as counterproductive as it is (allegedly), sometimes hiding feels right and sometimes a little downtime is necessary. I’ve been reading you for a while now and I think you’ve got a lot to process and cope with.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am familiar with this misery 😦 I quit smoking just before starting anti depressants ( which depressed me further). I went from 130# to 180#. I feel absolutely gross. I weighed between 120-130 my entire life from the time I finished high school.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well done for quitting smoking. HUGE achievement. I’ve still got to get that one under my belt. It’s so uncomfortable when you’ve been a particular weight your whole life and then suddenly have to adjust to a bigger size. For me, the worst part has been people not recognising me. Quite humiliating. But to have stopped smoking is HUGE. Don’t take that away from yourself 🙂


      1. I smoked for 30 years and thought nothing would ever work because I had tried to stop many times. Finally I tried Champix and did the full program twice one after another. The unfortunate part about Champix is that it is a depressant but I slogged through.

        I will never go back to smoking after getting this far 🙂 Being able to breathe is awesome lol!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I so get this post. I feel what you feel. I too sit at my work desk feeling as if i will burst…it’s so g** d*** uncomfortable. i could dig my nails into my skin. I gain my weight by bingeing as well…the rest of the time i’m on my restrictive healthy eating to survive. Ughhh. I’m going back to disconnect

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your comment. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in such warped thinking. I don’t understand why we all abuse ourselves so readily. In 42 years, I have yet to understand how to love myself. I hope my post hasn’t triggered you? Take care of yourself


  4. I watched this ted talk the other day. A neuroscientist talks about why dieting doesn’t work. She talks about “mindful eating” instead.

    So far I haven’t been doing a good job at “getting fit”. But one “trick” from the weight management centre I started going to is to eat something high in fibre about 10 minutes before a meal. Do you like cereal? Do they have Kellogg’s All Bran Buds where you are? 11 g of fibre in 1/3 cup. That’s fucking awesome! Mix it with Greek yoghurt and you’re good to go 😉

    Liked by 2 people

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