I’ve been on my dreaded annual leave for one week now and everything’s been going fine. My father even PHONED me on christmas day!! (no easy passes for him though – I did send a nice text first – first time we’ve spoken since October). Athough I had expected to become depressed, I haven’t. It’s been a peaceful day, and as I sat watching tellie I got to thinking, okay being on leave with no routine isn’t so bad after all. I can do this. I am doing this.
But I spoke too soon. Oooooh Karma, why do you have to be such a bitch? Because at that very moment, an advert comes on the TV advertising some of my favourite bands are playing a big new year’s eve party in another part of the country. And I will miss them. Now, you need to understand, I’m emotional about these bands. We’ve all heard the quote ‘music gives a voice to emotion’ and I identify a lot of my varying states of being with certain music (shrug). So it’s personal. I feel it in my blood, my brain my spirit. I missed 30 Seconds to Mars and I’m still emotional about that (shrugs again).
So in one split second, peaceful switched to gut wrenching loss. Now I’m the first to admit, this is an inappropriately extreme reaction to disappointment. Tears, tears and more tears. My heart felt physically broken. So many tears triggered by one advertisement? You bet’cha. Tears that probably don’t even belong to this situation but to a lost event in the smog of my life.
I’m sad, but I’m fine. I just hate the way bipolar can ambush me like that. Like an unseen landmine or trip wire that you’re oblivious to until it triggers. And yet other times it’s a slow trickle, a steady saturation that you don’t know is accumulating until it soaks into it’s own weightiness. Bipolar is unpredictable and even when watching tellie, should come with a warning –
Advertisement Trigger Warning :
could make you happy, sad, angry, eat an entire chocolate sponge cake or buy four thousand bucks worth of kitty cat accessories when you do not, in fact, own a kitty cat