For me, the 25th December 2014 is more about payday than it is about christmas. The office has shut down for the holidays and I have 2 weeks of leave. Ordinary folk would be excited. But as a bipolar stripped of my normal routine, I’m anxious and dread the next 2 weeks.
This will be my 4th christmas alone since leaving my ex-husband. The previous three years I had no problem. I like my own company. But this one is turning out to be difficult. Perhaps because it’s the first christmas we’re officially divorced? Perhaps I’m experiencing the finality of loosing that part of my family, my life?
Honestly, I hated christmas time when I was married to him. Christmas eve, christmas day, the ex’s birthday then new years eve all in one week? Nightmare. All the best excuses for an alcoholic to get ape-shit drunk packed neatly into one week. And I bore the brunt of it. Paid the price for it.
So why so miserable this christmas? Could it be the stand-off with my father? We haven’t spoken since October. He’s sent me prickly text messages. I haven’t responded. I won’t engage. As I stated back then, if I want to draw the line with him, I have to face the consequences. I guess the consequences with both him and my ex are just a little harder to bare over this ‘merry’ season.
Oh well, a therapist would probably say “…..you’ve been discarded/abandoned by the two most significant male figures in your life. Now Merry fucking christmas and settle your account before the new year”.
PS. All is not lost, woe is not me…. my best friend doesn’t allow me to indulge in self-pity and I’ve an open invitation to her place. Even if I just go there to read and sleep the day away. At least I won’t be alone. And I’ll patch together a new routine… (????) WhateeeVa