Babe is workin’ her issues

My intention with this post was to prove how unsuccessful I would be to date again, considering all my issues. It was to illustrate how inadequate and undesirable I am. An epic failure. The imaginary dialogue took me to a different ending. To a strange place of victory and the birth of a new self-image, possibly? And this is how the story went……

I’ve been on a dating site a couple of times. I’ve noticed a particular curiosity. The majority of men specify they want a woman with “no issues”.

These are grown men who have previous experience with women. Some already divorced from an unhappy marriage or separated from a tumultuous long term relationship. Many remain bachelors and dabble in some pretty serious serial dating. One would think they would have realised a long, long time ago that mostly, women (and men) do have “issues”. There is just no escaping it. It’s what makes us human.

A first date with one of these fella’s plays out in my head:

Hello, nice to meet you, I’m Pieces”

Hey sweetie. Right, let’s get down to business

Oh, well okay, you see I’m not all that bad really….once you get to know me”

I’ve heard that one before. Now get to it. I have another date lined up

Oh, okay. My issues. You insist on full disclosure. Well, I have bipolar”

WHAT?!! Are you one of those ‘schitzo’ types. Are you like, crazy? Unstable?

No, no (lies, lies) I’m not like that at all (more lies)”

Well, you better not be ‘cos I dated a psycho chick once before. She was nuts, a real bitch, threw all my shit out her place one night. Wouldn’t let me drive her car to work anymore (incredulous). Had to take the bus. What a wack-job she turned out to be

Um, okay, well, where was I? Issues, right there’s the bipolar and then I have IBS”

What’s that?

Um its a bit embarassing. I have tummy trouble. I’m sometimes in a lot of pain and there are lots of foods I can’t eat”

Oh shit (get it). So you’re one of those fussy types!

No, not fussy. I have a food allergy. I’m gluten intolerant”

Gluten? WTF? Isn’t is a muscle?”

No. Can I finish talking?”

You mean you have more issues?

Yes, I also have anorexia which I tried to fix, but just because I’ve put on weight doesn’t mean I’m recovered. I’m actually just a fat chick with anorexia. Its left me with severe body image issues”

So–

Sssshhhhhhh (finger to his lips). I was also married to an alcoholic for 15 years. I’ve been abused. My divorce was a mind fuck and has left me scarred. Years ago I was raped. I’ve dealt with an awful lot of trauma which has moulded me into the courageous, colourful, spirited person I am today”

Whoa, okay babe-”

My name is not ‘babe’. I’m not a pig. My name is Pieces”

stares at me with big googly eyes

Now run along to your next date. I’m too good for you”

Now that didn’t go at all as I’d planned! When it first played out in my head I was all – like me, like me, phleeeease like me. I think this may be what’s referred to in professional circles as a breakthrough. I guess I’ve been doing a lot more work on my ‘issues’ than I realised.

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