I go from 0 to hypomania in light speed. Two days ago I was all weepy, melancholy and considering buying a gun. Lunchtime today? The realisation of hypomania slowly dawned on me.
Talking too fast, leaping out of my chair instead of just, umm, standing up? Then, galloping down to my friend’s office to divulge some urgent secret scandal that seemed far more sparkly in my head, than it possibly actually was. Laughing too loudly, gesturing too largely and a general feeling of fabulousness. Bubbly, self-confident, animated and talkative, too talkative, wayyyy too talkative. Divulging personal information that should be kept just that – personal. Boundaries dissolve as I continue the chatter. Even as my head screams “Gag her!“ Too much information exposed but I’m helpless to the compulsion to talk. In detail. My body expands with excitement, energy and information and I JUST HAVE TO SHARE IT. It cannot be contained. No question goes unanswered. No matter the cost to my sense of respectability at work.
What triggered this? Lack of sleep and probably stress too. Shit, I hate bipolar. It’s exhausting. But let’s not forget, being a friend or loved one exposed to all of the above, can be confusing and exhausting too.
PS – I am battling to keep up with this blogging thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. Absolutely love it. It feels like the first place that I actually ‘belong’. Like-minded folks and all that. Day by day, I just run out of time. Between work and being tired, I feel like I don’t spend enough time in the bloggingsphere. I’ll try to remedy that.
PPS (or is it PSS?) – There was something I just HAD to say. But of course I’ve fucking forgotten it. Seriously, don’t underestimate this memory thing. Its crippling.
I know this is a post I’m going to regret. I already feel embarrassed about what I’ve disclosed. Some days I just feel plain crazy, cooked in the head, crackers. Today is one of those days. I guess. I promised honesty, so here it is. I guess.