I’ve been consistently medicated for the past 6 years. It’s the longest period I’ve ever been medically ‘compliant’ as the professionals say. So the place I now find myself in is completely foreign to me. And it follows a marked increase in my meds in June.
I feel dead. From my head to my heart to the soles of my feet. Dead. I contain no discernible emotions. No tears, no laugh, no smile, no thoughts, no feelings. Nothing. Whether its dead or its numb or its dull or its void or its flat. I don’t care what its called, all of me is dead.
And of course, as is with bipolar, nothing is simple. It’s like its own drama queen, everything has to be very, very complicated. Now, this is where shit gets confusing……………..
I can smile back easily to someone who smiles at me; I can laugh spontaneously if a joke’s been told. I do these things with no effort. But I don’t feel the greeting, nor do I feel the humour.
Am I depressed? Over-medicated? Is this a side effect of lithium or effexor? Grieving over my divorce? Am I suicidal (‘cos I certainly don’t have an inkling of a care in the world)? Or, as my friend suggested, is it calm instead of dead? Could the medication be doing its job and I now feel like everyone else?
Well, quite frankly, either way, I WANT MY FUCKING FEELINGS BACK!!!!!
I’ve lived with them longer than I’ve lived without them. I’m used to them. I know them. This, this, calm, numb, dead in the heart and the head is awful. Just awful, awful, awful. My passion and expression was what carved me out from everybody else.
Is this the cost of good mental health? Or is something wrong with me?