Never in my wildest dreams

I’m finally divorced. The 3 year battle, the test of wills with undercurrents of intimidation, the anxiety and the fear of the unknown, is finally over. My mind and body circulates with a mixture of exhilaration, excitement, relief, peace, a very slight tinge of sadness and then joy, pure unadulterated joy.

Having coffee with my friend today she revealed how worried she had been that I would return. You see, my ex-husband never said goodbye, he never tried to work things out, he never begged me to stay. He had no idea where I was to live. He never once, in the 3 years of divorce proceedings, ever bothered to phone me. At the time is was a massive rejection for me. I’d often cry, my heart broken that I meant so little to him. And that’s why my friend was concerned. One call, it could possibly take just one call, and I would return to the marriage. But I guess grey clouds do indeed deliver silver linings, because he didn’t phone and I didn’t go back.

I’ve taken some days off work to process the change in my life. Despite excitement and feeling energised, there is the polar opposite of the spectrum. I am so very, very tired. I’m trying to stay balanced. I don’t want my super-excited energy to trip over into hypomania, which is a strong possibility seeing as I feel like I can singlehandedly take on the world DAHHH DA DA DHAAAAAAA!

I am proud of myself and what I’ve achieved. I left a 15-year abusive marriage to an alcoholic. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could do it. I didn’t have children to protect, to motivate and drive me to provide a safer environment, to have company and share in the experience, to have a reason to get up in the morning, to belong to a social network at school and other activities. It was me, myself and I. And it was fucking difficult. But I’ve come out the other side and I stand taller. I see a glimmer of self-worth in the grit, determination and perseverance I displayed.

After everything was finalised yesterday, my lawyer said to me “People say you only know a person’s true colours when they are drunk, but I say you only know a person’s true colours when you have to go to court”

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7 comments

  1. I’m not going to lie – on the flip side of AWESOMENESS for us bipolar beauties often comes crashing – reality hitting the wall. I hope this doesn’t happen for you – pay attention to your body. I worked really hard to stay balanced and came home and passed out on the couch for five hours – no dinner… I finally got up and went to bed but then I couldn’t sleep and decided to put a little food in my tummy with the meds and have now cocooned myself on the couch because I feel safer. You’ve got this – uncharted waters ahead – but you’ve weathered a MASSIVE storm. Super proud of you – now rest. I’ll try to do the same.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hello friend,
    Time for the happy dance!!!!!!! I want to here about all the places you do the happy dance and how good it makes you feel. You did it, stayed strong, confident or faked it, kept pushing for what was right. You were paid back for your efforts. I’m happy you are on a new journey, one you can set the path for. You will have bumps
    in the road, we all do, now you have a growing self confidence to overcome. Don’t forget to spend time on your knees giving thanks for the blessings in you life. Happy dance!
    Hugs.
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi M! You’ve actually been on my mind, wondering how you are keeping. I had to temper the happy dance for fear of tipping over into mania. Thank you for what you’ve said, Wow, it makes me a bit emotional hearing it coming from you. Yes, I am eternally grateful to have stuck the course and been duly rewarded for efforts way past my comfort zone. And most of all, it was fair. To both sides. And I got to say goodbye to HIM. And I got plenty of positive reinforcement from my lawyer who fought for my interests as if I were his daughter. So much good ultimately came from so much bad. I am hugely grateful. I’m excited and a bit daunted by my new future. But as before, I will continue to live one day at a time. Thank you for your joy and support. I do hope you’re doing okay 🙂

      Like

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