I’m finally divorced. The 3 year battle, the test of wills with undercurrents of intimidation, the anxiety and the fear of the unknown, is finally over. My mind and body circulates with a mixture of exhilaration, excitement, relief, peace, a very slight tinge of sadness and then joy, pure unadulterated joy.
Having coffee with my friend today she revealed how worried she had been that I would return. You see, my ex-husband never said goodbye, he never tried to work things out, he never begged me to stay. He had no idea where I was to live. He never once, in the 3 years of divorce proceedings, ever bothered to phone me. At the time is was a massive rejection for me. I’d often cry, my heart broken that I meant so little to him. And that’s why my friend was concerned. One call, it could possibly take just one call, and I would return to the marriage. But I guess grey clouds do indeed deliver silver linings, because he didn’t phone and I didn’t go back.
I’ve taken some days off work to process the change in my life. Despite excitement and feeling energised, there is the polar opposite of the spectrum. I am so very, very tired. I’m trying to stay balanced. I don’t want my super-excited energy to trip over into hypomania, which is a strong possibility seeing as I feel like I can singlehandedly take on the world DAHHH DA DA DHAAAAAAA!
I am proud of myself and what I’ve achieved. I left a 15-year abusive marriage to an alcoholic. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could do it. I didn’t have children to protect, to motivate and drive me to provide a safer environment, to have company and share in the experience, to have a reason to get up in the morning, to belong to a social network at school and other activities. It was me, myself and I. And it was fucking difficult. But I’ve come out the other side and I stand taller. I see a glimmer of self-worth in the grit, determination and perseverance I displayed.
After everything was finalised yesterday, my lawyer said to me “People say you only know a person’s true colours when they are drunk, but I say you only know a person’s true colours when you have to go to court”