I want to be strong, have courage, embrace my individualism, be open minded, exhibit tolerance with compassion, delight in my innate passion and expression, expand my creativity, have a voice that is heard and respected, travel my path with grace and dignity, carry myself on a foundation of confidence interwoven with self-worth and respect.
I am not born into this state of grace. It is to be earned and learned. A constant education and expansion. Of ups and downs, delights and tears.
Yesterday I was brought to my knees. By injustice, disillusionment, fear and naivety. I went from knees to foetal position in a matter of hours. Tossing and turning all night in an agitated sleep. Fear driven thoughts of suicide were reeling through my mind.
By morning I was contemplating calling Dr S, “Hi Dr S, uhh, I think you need to admit me. Why? Uhmm, well, ya see, ‘cos life is hard and I want to die, and uhmm, right now I’m also still on my ex-husbands medical aid”. And then I thought, oh you silly sod! If you were serious about killing yourself, you certainly would NOT be giving someone the HEADS UP, NOW WOULD YOU!!! Nooooo, you’d be loading the gun or tying the noose or whatever exit tickles your fancy. And since I was actually busy driving to work at the time, I kinda figured I was of no immediate danger to myself.
Yes, right now my life is going through an intense adjustment and financial uncertainties. I might have to change my living arrangements (terrified). Possibly stop smoking (ohmygod whyyyyy?). And rethink medical aid options (noooooo!). But until then, I give myself permission to cry, feel the large array of emotions that simmer close to the surface, sleep far too much, eat junk food and find escape in movies and coffee with friends.
I can assure you of one thing, there’ll be no Terminator for me. Because………… I’ll be back! My new life is unwrapping itself and while I’m trying to process the shitty parts, I kinda feel excited about the fresh, unblemished beginning. I can smell the freedom…….and after 15 years with an alcoholic, there’s no putting a price on that well deserved freedom.