Freedom…. priceless

I want to be strong, have courage, embrace my individualism, be open minded, exhibit tolerance with compassion, delight in my innate passion and expression, expand my creativity, have a voice that is heard and respected, travel my path with grace and dignity, carry myself on a foundation of confidence interwoven with self-worth and respect.

I am not born into this state of grace. It is to be earned and learned. A constant education and expansion. Of ups and downs, delights and tears.

Yesterday I was brought to my knees. By injustice, disillusionment, fear and naivety. I went from knees to foetal position in a matter of hours. Tossing and turning all night in an agitated sleep. Fear driven thoughts of suicide were reeling through my mind.

By morning I was contemplating calling Dr S, “Hi Dr S, uhh, I think you need to admit me. Why? Uhmm, well, ya see, ‘cos life is hard and I want to die, and uhmm, right now I’m also still on my ex-husbands medical aid”. And then I thought, oh you silly sod! If you were serious about killing yourself, you certainly would NOT be giving someone the HEADS UP, NOW WOULD YOU!!! Nooooo, you’d be loading the gun or tying the noose or whatever exit tickles your fancy. And since I was actually busy driving to work at the time, I kinda figured I was of no immediate danger to myself.

Yes, right now my life is going through an intense adjustment and financial uncertainties. I might have to change my living arrangements (terrified). Possibly stop smoking (ohmygod whyyyyy?). And rethink medical aid options (noooooo!). But until then, I give myself permission to cry, feel the large array of emotions that simmer close to the surface, sleep far too much, eat junk food and find escape in movies and coffee with friends.

I can assure you of one thing, there’ll be no Terminator for me. Because………… I’ll be back! My new life is unwrapping itself and while I’m trying to process the shitty parts, I kinda feel excited about the fresh, unblemished beginning. I can smell the freedom…….and after 15 years with an alcoholic, there’s no putting a price on that well deserved freedom.

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7 comments

  1. Are you familiar with the song “I Will Always Love You?” … perhaps you’ve heard the version made famous by Whitney Houston? The song was actually written in the early 1970s by Dolly Parton who wrote it after she quit her job and her duet partnership with the man who helped get her name out there, Porter Wagoner. It was his television show that allowed her to be on tv in her early 20s. Her freedom was essentially the end of his career – his end was her beginning… and though they were never lovers (she’s been married to the same man, Carl Dean, for almost 50 years) she wrote the song “I Will Always Love You” for Porter Wagoner because anytime you split and start anew it hurts – and she wanted him to know it wasn’t personal – it was business… but that even in business it’s personal and she’ll always love him.

    It hurt the two of them so bad, they ended up in court. Porter sued Dolly for $1MILLION dollars which back then was more than she had and certainly an outrageous amount. He said she owed it to him… talk about abuse… because without him there would be no Dolly Parton. As if.

    She paid him – somehow she paid him… and in her tears she wrote another song. “Light of a Clear Blue Morning” —- youtube it. Google it… read the words. Dolly struggled and openly admits to struggling with depression – could be why she’s written so many freaking sad songs about little girls dying… I think I stopped counting at like 17 songs with that theme…

    It’s been a long dark night, but I see a brand new day dawning….

    Fast forward twenty years and Dolly is RAKING in the dough from the royalties thanks to Whitney Houston’s version…. people asked if she was jealous Whitney was getting so much attention for her song… Dolly said HELL NO!!! I’m Laughing ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!!!!

    This … coming from a woman who grew up in the Smoky Mountains – her dad illiterate, she became a member of the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame…. a family so poor her dad paid the doctor that helped deliver her with cornmeal… and she’s been raking in the dough because she figured out a way to use her talents, not take life to freaking seriously, and have fun. Find fun!! Embrace your inner Dolly Parton that’s inside every woman… the woman who’s not afraid to cry, not afraid to walk away, not afraid to start a new life, not afraid to write a new song, or record a new album when others tell her it can’t be done. She does it. Because she’s fucking Dolly Parton – she gets shit done. She is my patron saint of getting shit done when life sucks ass and you don’t know where the road is leading. Light of a Clear Blue Morning my friend, It’s going to be alright – it’s going to be okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you…..<3 What an inspiring story. I'm going to dig deep and find my inner Dolly. And I'm gonna kick ass. You spoke my magic words – everything's going to be okay. I don't feel good today. But hey, tomorrow's another day. In the meantime, I'm going to get to know Dolly

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow Marie, thank you so much for the nomination. I gladly accept the award. At this point in my life, it creates some much appreciated positivity. And then of course….. my favourite… the joy of paying it forward 🙂 Thank you Marie!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is my sissy, we get tougher than the tough situation. Dear Pax and finding the light said it all, l can only add that lean in and someday you will not only survive, but you will thrive. I did it, still paddling, but hey, so can you.
    Loght and love, M

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