Creativity doesn’t live here anymore

Words are my art. But I have become illiterate. A mind infused with sudden dyslexia and forgotten words. I can’t talk properly….’cos forgotten words. Rhyme escapes me. When I write, I need google for “what is it called when someone loses their mind”….. and google may answer “forgetful”. Sod you google.

I have hardly any mood swings. And when they do emerge, they’re not extreme. Great! Good stuff! Mission accomplished! Hmmmpf, I guess.

Oooooooh my god, I’m just never happy am I?

I guess. Everything in life has a give, and a take. And as much as Lithium and Venlour have given me with regard to a marked improvement in my mental health, they have also robbed me of the best elements of myself – my intelligence, my creativity and my sense of humour. Not forgetting the physical side effects which just make me look straight up weird. I’m not even gonna go there.

Help! I feel vacant. The hamster’s in the cage but the wheel’s not turning! I’m one egg-salad-sandwich short of a picnic basket! I feel flat. Passion has abandoned me. And I have serious abandonment issues, dude, so I’m not taking this well. I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel ‘me’.

Whatever. I’m so over my life at the moment.

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22 comments

      1. Haha! Okay, I had to have a bit of a thunk, ‘cos I’m illiterate. But, I’d say I’m a fish outta water gasping for a dip back in the passion pool. Maybe I’m so used to emotional suffering, that now that it’s been tempered, it feels strange and uncomfortable

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      2. I’m 42 yrs old. I’ve never stuck it out with medication. I started this time around in 2009, and this is the longest I’ve lasted. Its all been a bit of chaos really. But I can confidently say, a couple of months ago, my doc increased all my meds. In the last 2 weeks I’ve felt level. I can experience an event in which I would previously have acted inappropriately, and have no reaction at all. And I have insight into previous behavior and current behavior. My friend and I have a jolly good laugh “oh god, if this had happened last year I would have xyz” A sudden word came to mind, my behavior and thoughts have hit the mute button. THAT’S what it feels like. Calm but empty

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      3. Ahhh ok – any anhedonia? I think I’d also be shocked by feeling level … I’m 44 btw and major history of chaos. I hope the emptiness is an adjustment period for you and not the destination … idk how this all works though.

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      4. ok, googled anhedonia 😉 That would be an affirmative. It feels like I’m going through the motions with no specific emotional connection. I’m sure it’s transitional. There are just too many high functioning bipolars out there, capably holding down jobs and families and enjoying life. I just refuse to give up. We’ll get this, you and I. We’ll find that perfect point of balance with our health. Life is going to take a step back and say “whoaaaa, who ARE those 2 sassy ladies giving me the finger”

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  1. I could have written this. Recently I have turned into Yoda which, while somewhat amusing, is rapidly becoming irritating. I can’t retrieve the words that I know are contained within my mind. I struggle to form a coherent sentence. I can’t follow a simple set of instructions. I feel like my brain is broken. As someone who counts their intelligence and eloquence as their strongest attributes it has given me a bit of an identy crisis. I’ve been on lithium for years and never had this before so I’m wondering if it is actually thyroid related (my dose has been lowered). I remember you saying you also had thyroid issues so maybe it could be that for you too? Whatever it is, I am hoping it will pass for both of us soon.

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  2. Hello my friend,
    I understand the transition from cycling or mania to “normal” is a shock on the system. The gifts you had before are still there, not jumping off the page right now. You have to level out first, which means more time. This is a good time to look at the blessings in your life. What you’re missing is not healthy, the highs you’ve come to enjoy have to be put in perspective. I understand the ebb and flow of mental illness. You have under a great deal of stress right now, focus on the trial. Positive affirmations, preparing for the day you walk self confident in the court and say what you want and deserve. Try to keep focused on that for now. The day you walk in court is one of your biggest days and lays the foundation of your future. Start thinking about life after the trial, what you want your life to look like, short term goals. You are free for your abuser, that is the biggest step you’ve taken. Now there are many steps ahead of you. You build the life you want. The journey is scary and exciting. Spend time on the great things ahead of you. Worry about the smaller things later.
    Have a great day. Hugs.

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