I may not be good at a lot of things. But there is one thing that I’m TOTALLY awesome at doing…..
BLOWING THINGS OUTTA PROPORTION !!
I sat at my work desk today and continued my fearful internal chatter about court. I grew distracted thinking:
ohmygod I’m gonna end up homeless; ohmygod what if I cry, I can’t cry, I simply cannot cry, it’ll be seen as a sign of weakness; don’t lose your temper whatever you do DO NOT lose the enraged-bipolar temper; ohmygod I’m gonna end up penniless; I’ll have nowhere to live, I don’t want to be the proud owner of a shopping cart with ‘lives beneath the bridge’ status; I won’t be able to afford my medication; I’ll go nuts and they’ll have to put me in a government hospital and I’ll be nibbled on by rats (true story) and become someone’s bitch; I’ll run out of water and my tongue will be glued to the roof of my mouth; where are the bathrooms, I need to know where the bathrooms are; how do I get there; where do I park; can I have a cigarette break; what if they pick a fight with me; what if I’m late; what if monster-in-law points her finger at me and cries ‘how could you do this to us’, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod………….!
The best therapist I’ve ever had was the one who pieced me together so I could leave the marriage. From her, I learned something that has become invaluable to me. This is how it works:
you have an EVENT – this EVENT creates an EMOTION (fear, anger etc) – once you have successfully identified the EMOTION – you are able to CHOOSE how you REACT in proportion to the event:
EVENT – EMOTION – CHOICE – REACTION (proportional)
So I said to myself, for the love of god, enough with the negative reaction. Yes you are scared. Anyone would be. Its a valid emotion in this situation. But goodness, girl, you’re taking it to a whole other dimension here. An M Night Shyamalan dimension!
So, I’ve changed my internal chatter to the following:
You’re going to be fine; you’re planning on making practice runs to the court house so you’ll know where you’re going; don’t look at them, your attorney will be doing all the looking for you; you won’t get nothing, the house belongs to you so you will get something; something is great because right now you have nothing; your beautiful friend has already told you the spare room is there if I need a place to stay; you are a composed, dignified, strong woman; you are the bravest person I know
So you see, I’ll be fine now. Because I am the bravest person I know. And because I will fake it ’til I damn-well make it *twirls ponytail, gives life the finger, hits the play button for the movie ‘Unbreakable’*