Suicide pill

It was against my will

when time stood still

Thought you would fulfill

your promise of goodwill

But it all went downhill

with hatred and overkill

Plans mapped with skill

Threaten to spill

All things horrible

Should we come full circle

Let’s hope to instil

Something more tranquil

But they point with a thrill

Look, she’s mentally ill”

We’ll get her to take a suicide pill

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6 comments

  1. Hello my dear friend,
    Sounds like you’re going thru a lot of pain. I have certainly felt that way about my mental illness. Once I accepted, most of the time, quit letting another’s thoughst or preconceived ideas get in my way it was easier. I was married to my last husband for 13 years, he never believed I was Bipolar. Said nothing was wrong with me, he wouldn’t go to doctors appointments with me to learn the truth. Gave me a hard time about the meds and the cost. At some point my mind tilted and my love for myself outweighed his lack of desire to learn. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. That was in 1999. So glad I made the decision, I validated my self love. It also taught me what was important in the next man I met. I was overly graphic with my current husband about the crazy things to expect, if could not deal with I understood. He has lived up to that commitment 100%. I have a disease like or similar to many others, many people have far worse diseases. I hope my rambling made sense, I having a bad Lyme day. I’m here for you, you know my hand is always reaching out for you, just take it. I’m a good listener and have been down a few roads that may provide support. The key, I’m here for you. On a good day I’m made of steel and can jump tall buildings. Today I might make a couple of stairs. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks M. Yes, I’d have to say this is the hardest part of the divorce process I’ve encountered so far. I’m petrified to go to court and be put on the stand. I have to prove I’m the legal owner of our house. For my settlement I’ve only asked for a half share. But him and his parents don’t want me to have a penny. I’ve never been the object of such hatred. I would just let it go, but I don’t earn a living wage. I need that money to supplement my income, to get on a medical aid. So far he’s been paying all my meds ‘cos I won a maintenance (rental) order last year. I’m so scared. Not just for court. But also for what lies beyond that. I’m alone. No animals, no children, no family. I have one beautiful friend who has assured me I will not end up sleeping under a bridge, that I will stay with her if things go wrong. The fear of the unknown is killing me. Thank you for your support. It means a great deal. I hope you feel rested and a bit better today

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      1. Hello my friend,
        I wish there magic words to take your pain away, none that I know of. One of the practices I started while preparing for a meeting I was nervous about. It helps take away the unknown. Take a letter/legal sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, at the top write pro’s on one side con’s on other side. Work down the list, it doesn’t have to be in one setting. The con’s are unknown’s, or in your case write down in con section, worse case scenario, worst fear. Then work with the obvious pro’s, then dig deep don’t be to hard on yourself and find a few more. After you’ve done, you can look at the one’s that are the highest fear or worse case. This give you a framework to prepare for the meeting. You have to fake it till you make it. In court you can’t show weakness, when around him or parents show no weakness. I know, it’s hard. You have to get in touch with the person who say’s I was married how long to an abuser and he only wants to leave me with what? Get a little cocky in your mind , you have to prop yourself up. What’s happening know is you’re on a run away train, thinking of everything you don’t have. Worry about dog and things outside of the divorce separately. If you don’t you can create a snowball effect. That can get overwhelming. If you don’t think your worthy then how will the court. This method always calmed me down, got me focused and able to see where the weakness was, then I went to work on overcoming the weakness. It’s often in our head and requires the most work. If you’re honest with yourself and look at yourself objectively it will help you. Some time on your knees never hurts either. Thank God/Allah or any other God you pray to, thank and praise them for the good in your life, all the gifts you’ve been blessed with, the strength he provides you and ask for guidance. Ask that you mind and eyes are ope to see the guidance. If you read the Bible or Quran, focus on the people who gave praise in the most difficult times. When armies much larger were coming against them, instead of praying for God to help them win, they thanked God for what he had given them, what the Bible says he will do if we believe. You can draw tremendous strength from praise and sharing your fears. I’ve seen this many times in my life when I wasn’t deserving at all. You are a good person, I feel it in my bones. You are worthy, show yourself thru reflection and prayer what worthy means to you. Then live it or fake it till make it. I’m here. Anytime you need me. I get the greatest joy from life in giving of myself and hopefully helping one person. Work on those things. Then let me now what you come up with, what realizations. Talk to you soon. Have faith in yourself!!!!! Hugs. One last idea, you have to visualize yourself on the stand in court, yo have to visualize, what your going to wear, your shoulders back, your voice calm, confident, not fluster by unexpected questions. You have to see yourself being successful.

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      2. Hi M. Thanks so much for the advice. Yes, I see what you mean about worth. If I’m not reflecting it within myself, the court won’t see it either. I’m just about to post how I’m turning things in my head around. Pretty much what you’ve advised 🙂 And spending some time in reflection actually sounds like a very good idea. A quiet mind, and all that. Will give the list a go too. I appreciate how you’ve been here for me. It’s comforting having someone to talk to who has really been in my shoes. I hope you’re feeling a bit better

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      3. Be kind to yourself, enjoy a nice beverage, maybe a cup of tea. Soul searching is good for all of us. I’m a visual and goal oriented person, that’s why the chart works for me. I can see the issues and have I covered the bases. Not feeling great today. Tomorrow is a new day. 🙂

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