I have never been on such high doses of medication before. But it seems to have done the trick. I only realised it this past weekend. My friend and I were chatting and having a good laugh about something peculiar I’d done a few months back. I told her how I couldn’t believe I’d done that, and why could I see it was inappropriate at this time, but not at the time I actually did it. She turned to me and said “It’s your medication. You’re normal now”.
I’m normal now? I’m NORMAL now. Ohmygod am I normal? Seriously? Normal? Me? Ohmygod. She laughed and tried to explain how my whole energy is different. Apparently, I’m smoother, less jagged. More even, I guess you could say.
The first thing to come out of my mouth was “Well, then how do I do a blog about bipolar if I’m normal now?” And she laughed and said to do my blog as a bipolar with the ability to now be normal. So I overanalysed it all and came to this conclusion. If this is normal, I don’t like it very much.
Normal is so boring! I miss the spark of hypomania glinting with promises of adventure. I miss the chaos. I miss the drive. I miss the saturation of emotion, the high frequency of feeling everything. Everything at once. Of course I don’t miss the depression. That goes without saying.
I’m 42 years old, and I have lived with bipolar since I was a young teen. My mother had the illness too so I was raised by it. That’s a long exposure to this illness. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t know normal if it bit me on the arse. But it would appear I do a pretty awesome impersonation of it without even having to try!
Logically I know I’m at a good place and I’ve fought hard to get here. But call me crazy (again), I miss my symptoms……….?