Ohmygod I’m normal now?

I have never been on such high doses of medication before. But it seems to have done the trick. I only realised it this past weekend. My friend and I were chatting and having a good laugh about something peculiar I’d done a few months back. I told her how I couldn’t believe I’d done that, and why could I see it was inappropriate at this time, but not at the time I actually did it. She turned to me and said “It’s your medication. You’re normal now”.

 

I’m normal now? I’m NORMAL now. Ohmygod am I normal? Seriously? Normal? Me? Ohmygod. She laughed and tried to explain how my whole energy is different. Apparently, I’m smoother, less jagged. More even, I guess you could say.

 

The first thing to come out of my mouth was “Well, then how do I do a blog about bipolar if I’m normal now?” And she laughed and said to do my blog as a bipolar with the ability to now be normal. So I overanalysed it all and came to this conclusion. If this is normal, I don’t like it very much.

 

Normal is so boring! I miss the spark of hypomania glinting with promises of adventure. I miss the chaos. I miss the drive. I miss the saturation of emotion, the high frequency of feeling everything. Everything at once. Of course I don’t miss the depression. That goes without saying.

 

I’m 42 years old, and I have lived with bipolar since I was a young teen. My mother had the illness too so I was raised by it. That’s a long exposure to this illness. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t know normal if it bit me on the arse. But it would appear I do a pretty awesome impersonation of it without even having to try!

 

Logically I know I’m at a good place and I’ve fought hard to get here. But call me crazy (again), I miss my symptoms……….?

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4 comments

  1. Quite common reaction, I do believe. We often miss the highs of hypomania and mania. “Normal” is relative and, quite frankly in my experience, not 100% permanent. Life circumstances can sway our moods a little beyond “normal.” Once you are stable for a while, you can work with your pdoc to lessen your meds a tad so that you can experience a bit more shine, a bit less flat affect or “normality.”

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  2. I was just put on a new med in addition to the anxiety meds (all classes of mood stabilizers have effed me up) so they put me on something for PTSD… and in my last therapy session I wept because I said it feels SO nice not to have the chattering multi-wave crossed radio frequencies revved up brain making me feel like I might die… like I can’t trust myself. But at the same time… I can hardly stay awake! LOL 🙂 I’m so tired!!! But I’m probably tired from the mania. Be gentle – walk slowly – one day at a time… your hypomania self is still in there – meds can keep the insanity down but the fun can still come out. If I can, as tired as I am, say EFF it – I’m going to go kayaking in my bra because I don’t feel like going home and changing and driving back to the river as I’m crossing the bridge over it… YOU KNOW you will find that piece that you love about yourself – you haven’t lost it. It’s just not controlling you anymore.

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