These tears I cry

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was hypomanic and then depressed. I did the responsible thing and paid Dr S a visit. She increased the dosage of both the antidepressant and the mood stabiliser. It’s been about a week and a half. I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse.

It’s the grief that chokes me. I’m afraid to cry because I don’t know if I would be able to stop. But all I want to do is cry. To cry for a loss. I don’t know what the loss is, but I feel the grief of loss. And then I cry. All is forsaken. All is grey. Nothing has a heartbeat. And I cry. And cry some more. I despair that I am doomed to live my life this way. A life with no colour, no music, no laughter, no sparkle, no peace. I don’t see a way through this anguish. I hate myself. I hate others who do not suffer with me. I’m jealous. What an easy life they must have. And then I bow my head and cry again. A profound grief.

And the saddest thing is, this grief is not new to me. I relive it time and time again. No amount of medication ever seems to make it stay away. So again I cry.

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7 comments

  1. I don’t know what kind of grief you are experiencing but I went through something very similar when I was in a bipolar disorder depressive episode. I was grieving the losses from mental illness. I wrote about it on my blog. I know it’s hard to imagine when you are hurting, but things really do get better. Grief is a process and it’s perfectly natural to grieve. I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. Hi Amy, thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me. Yes, its unfortunately just a phase of depression I’m going through. It’s such an intense emotional pain, it feels like the grief suffered after a loss. I probably just need to give the medication some time to settle in. Thank you again 🙂

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  2. I am worried about you. Have you tried calling 1-800-273-8255 the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? Do you also have a psychotherapist you can meet with to help you overcome and cope with your depressive thought process?

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    1. Thank you for your concern. It’s very kind of you. I don’t reside in the USA so can’t access that lifeline. In the past 20yrs I have had extensive psychotherapy. Please don’t worry about me, I’m just going through a tough time. I’m coming to the end of a dirty 3 year long divorce. It seems everything triggers me lately. But I’ll be fine, I always am 🙂

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