I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was hypomanic and then depressed. I did the responsible thing and paid Dr S a visit. She increased the dosage of both the antidepressant and the mood stabiliser. It’s been about a week and a half. I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse.
It’s the grief that chokes me. I’m afraid to cry because I don’t know if I would be able to stop. But all I want to do is cry. To cry for a loss. I don’t know what the loss is, but I feel the grief of loss. And then I cry. All is forsaken. All is grey. Nothing has a heartbeat. And I cry. And cry some more. I despair that I am doomed to live my life this way. A life with no colour, no music, no laughter, no sparkle, no peace. I don’t see a way through this anguish. I hate myself. I hate others who do not suffer with me. I’m jealous. What an easy life they must have. And then I bow my head and cry again. A profound grief.
And the saddest thing is, this grief is not new to me. I relive it time and time again. No amount of medication ever seems to make it stay away. So again I cry.