A lighter shade of blue

Is that what I think it is? It can’t be. But it may be. It could be. Yes ohmygod, yes, I think it is. I do believe that is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I don’t want to get my hopes up, we all know how dangerous that can be, but I’m pretty sure of it. Yes, I think I see hope.

It happens so quickly. So unexpectedly. The switch, the change, the mood swing. Whatever your personal label is. I moved through yesterday in a daze of unimaginable grief. Crying late into the night whilst mentally taking a knife to my neck and plunging it repeatedly into the jugular over and over and over again. I imagined the spray of blood against the bathroom wall. Loosing grip of the knife in my slippery hand. Staining my favourite pyjama’s. And the physical pain. I didn’t care who would find me, when they’d find me or how they’d find me. I just wanted the anguish to end.

And not 24 hours later, here I am talking about hope? You’ve gotta be kidding me. But, bipolar is it’s own irrational animal. It contains no order or reason. The symptoms hit you from behind like a schoolyard bully. Sideswipes you. Toys with you. Confuses you. It brings you to your knees in an imaginary pool of blood, with unwashed hair and mismatched clothes, soaked with snot and warm salty tears. And just when you think you cannot do this anymore – sink lower, drown further, try harder, fail again……

BOOoooo…… bipolar sneaks up behind you and waves a white flag. Drowning in your choking sorrow, you grab onto that lifeline and hold it close to your heart.

I have crossed from last night’s bloody yet unfulfilled end, to tonight’s small glimmer of hope. Hooray! I’ve washed my hair and put some laundry on. I think I may paint my nails. What colour though? Pink, red, green? Blue. I think I’ll go with blue. That’s quite fitting wouldn’t you say?

A lighter shade of blue.

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4 comments

  1. I love coming across writing that I love 🙂 I really like your writing style, and have enjoyed reading your posts! I was wondering if I could ask you a question, if you don’t mind? As I have mentioned to a couple of other bloggers, although I have a diagnosis of BPD (which I don’t doubt), I have also wondered about co-morbid BPII or cyclothymia, and do score quite high on the ‘mood disorder’ questionnaire. But one thing that I have always found it hard to establish or ‘make fit’ are the timescales associated with mood changes in the bipolar spectrum. I do have episodes that last for longer periods, but I also have very rapid mood changes. What is your experience with regard to how long different episodes of depression or hypomania can last, particularly with regard to what is the shortest timescale you’ve experienced? I’m not sure if that’s a bit like asking ‘how long is a piece of string’, but hopefully the question makes some sense! I too have experienced overwhelming grief, followed by hopefulness the following day…..thank you in advance, for anything you might choose to share!

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    1. Thank you so much for the lovely compliment. And please, question any and everything. Knowledge is power. I’ve had this illness since 13yrs old but was only diagnosed BP II in my early 30’s (I’m now in my early 40’s). As we are all individuals, very few will ‘fit’ into any specific questionnaire, box, diagnoses, in all aspects of the disorder. Since you are the only one that truly knows YOU, you are best equipped to, as you are doing, go the step further in identifying the specific type of affect mood disorder that you have.

      Now bare in mind, bipolar has not 2 symptoms, but four. These being mania, aggression, depression and anxiety. Also remember the basic difference is: bipolar I is more extreme mania, bipolar II is more extreme depression that lasts longer compared to the bipolar I depression.

      Typically my personal experiences are:
      *hypomanic episodes that last from a few hours to a couple of days. Never longer than a week.
      *My depressive states are more frequent and last much longer. Depression gets its claws in anywhere from a few hours, a day to several weeks. I am more often depressed than anything else.
      *I had great difficulty with aggression. Not the kind where I take a co-worker out into the parking lot for a throw down, mind you. It was a verbal aggression. I’d just throw a blue-streak tantrum.
      *In a nutshell, my moods can change so quickly, my friend jokes with me that I arrive at work one person and leave another person 🙂 And we just have to laugh about it.

      Remember, you’re not going to fit exactly into any diagnoses. I recommend doing what you are, asking questions and research, research, research. Make Google your bitch 8)

      I hope this has helped. You are most welcome to ask me any other questions, and if I don’t know, we can find out together. Take care 🙂

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